How Utterly…Perfect

Sam Vaknin describes his own sexuality as it exists within his NPD thusly:

It is not that I don’t want to have sex. I want to very much. I am unusually sensual and sensuous. I have the most delicious imagination.

But it is all mixed with murderous rage towards women. You cannot begin to fathom the depths of hatred and disdain, the contempt I feel towards these mermaids: half predators, half parasites.

My only consolation is the ease with which I can tease and then subjugate and then frustrate and then humiliate them. It is such a sweet revenge, such gratification that it often outweighs the pleasure of sex itself.

I am not a physical type, so I will never harm a woman physically. But, wherever possible to inflict pain and to drive a woman to the limits of her sanity – I do a good job of it.

I never stalk or threaten or do anything to impose myself.

I don’t need to.

Women get addicted to me effortlessly.

All I need to do is to be my maddeningly frustrating and inaccessible self.”

I couldn’t have described my N any better.  He flirted, got physical, would touch, etc., but if any of it was at all reciprocated, he would stop, immediately.  

Games.  Ns are all about games.  All about that internal superego telling them they’re so much better than the inferior woman whose foot they are currently massaging, whose neck they are kissing, whose back they are stroking.  One instance of proof that I would reciprocate and my N withdrew.  Totally.  Just dumped my feet off his lap and picked up his laptop, turned away from me and started burning a CD.

I didn’t understand it then.  I do now.  He doesn’t want sex with anyone but himself, because he is the only person with whom he can allow himself to be intimate.  It’s a truly pitiful and vicious cycle.


DSM Characteristics for NPD

Just in case you were wondering, I’ve copied and pasted these for you.  Please note that these are guidelines and a true diagnosis must come from a psychiatrist.  Good luck with that.  Most NPD won’t see a psychiatrist unless something like a court order demands it.

Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(cautionary statement)

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 

(3) believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 

(4) requires excessive admiration 

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Reprinted with permission from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth Edition. Copyright 1994 American Psychiatric Association     

Have you  noticed any of these traits in your loved one?  If you notice a preponderance of them,  you might have an N on your hands.