Deconstruction of a Dating Profile

For those of you who are trying to find love online, here’s an example of a dating profile you should avoid.  I dated this person, and since his profile is public content, there is nothing illegal about re-posting it here.  I will not post his dating-site handle (but I wish I could so women in my area who read this can avoid him) or his name.  I will deconstruct his profile for you.  My commentary is in red.

Most tell me I am warm, giving, knowing, and patient. 

Most of what? Most of whom? If “most” apples in a barrel are good does that mean that ALL apples in a barrel are good? Do you not know whether you are those things? No, you don’t because your entire image of yourself is a construct built upon what others tell you.

Others tell me I have a good sense of humor and am fun to be around.

Here we go again with what YOU say OTHERS say.  You don’t want to actually say that you have these qualities because deep down, you know you don’t really have them, you only present them when you are in the presence of others from whom you can benefit. Presenting these qualities is not the same thing as actually having them.

Many things interest me and I am entertained easily. I love kayaking, skiing, hiking, skating and most of the usual sports but I tend to gravitate toward the arts.

Note that this person places the emphasis on the more “extreme” sports, the ones that require more skill for the average person to engage in them.  There is only a nod toward the “more usual sports” because this person feels the “more usual” is beneath them.

I am emotionally healthy as I am filled with positive feelings and energy most of the time.

Um, okay.  How does that define emotional health?  Notice this person doesn’t say “others” speak to the individual’s emotional health.  This is something this person is CERTAIN of, and even goes so far as to define it for us.

I enjoy talking and listening and sharing emotions.

Be very wary of this kind of phrase in an online profile.  It sounds innocent and it may well be innocent as well as truthful, but I happen to know this person.  I dated him. He does enjoy talking – about himself.  He listens for perceived criticisms and the emotions he shares are thinly disguised rage.  He feeds off YOUR emotions and stores them up to use as ammunition against you. 

I’ve been told I’m old fashioned and I’ve been told I’m eclectic, urban and modern. 

Again, he doesn’t know himself – he tells us what others have told him.  He has no clue what he truly is. 

I think I’m a bit of mix since I strive for balance in most areas.

He doesn’t know what he thinks, since he’s already stated that his opinion of himself is garnered from the opinions of others.  How many people strive for balance in just “most” areas?  This is an individual who doesn’t know anything about balance and probably added the word “most” as a subconscious qualifier.  I doubt he even realizes what he’s said about himself here.

I am honest and loyal and sometimes too trusting.

This is classic NPD in this case.  Again, he  shows us that he hasn’t got a clue.  How can he be honest when he’s already told us that he has no clue what emotional health is and that he only strives for balance in “most” areas?  The part about being loyal and too trusting is a classic set-up from NPD people.  

This is a huge red flag, and it’s already setting his potential victims up to BE victims. He’ll be “loyal” and “trusting” until you evince dissatisfaction with him.  At that point, his entire visage will change, his normal MO will cast off the cloak of charm, warmth and affection and you will be told exactly what a terrible person you are, and any emotions you may have “shared” with him will be brought out and used to decimate you.  You’ll know you are nothing more than a thing to him, that you are disposable and he will attempt to convince you that you have misinterpreted him in all ways.  Any hurt you sustain from your interaction with him is your fault.  To paraphrase another source:  “so sorry that you’re a casualty of my pathology.”

An Optimist-idealist grounded in the practical.

Note he doesn’t state “I am an optimist-idealist grounded in the practical.”  To state that would not allow him to say “I never said I was that way.”  While this may simply be poor grammar on his part, based on the preceding elements of the profile, one could reasonably ask:  “Why is this phrase here?”  

I’ve been known to act like a child and think like an old man, then think like a child and act like an old man.

He’s been “known” to do these things.  Known by whom?  Note that he doesn’t state that HE ACTUALLY DOES THESE THINGS.  He simply invokes the ubiquitous and invisible “others” by use of the word  ‘known’.  

You? You’re easy to talk to and like to talk and laugh. You’re generally happy with yourself In body and spirit. You enjoy the outdoors and appreciate the fruits of the country but also like urban activities and the suburban typical.

First, he’s telling you what you will be if you are going to interact with him.  He’s not stating qualities he appreciates in another, he’s stating WHAT YOU ARE and if you prove not to be these things, you’ll be sorry.  He’s also pompous as hell – “appreciate the fruits of the country?”  What the hell is THAT?  You like to go apple-picking?  His entire profile is written from the perspective of condescending pomposity. What does “generally happy with yourself in body and spirit” mean?  Does this mean he’ll be okay if you’re sometimes not happy that way?  No, in this profile it means you WILL be happy with these things because he has decreed it.

Your open-minded, funny, and can enjoy laughing at yourself. 

He says nothing about compassion, independence, warmth, empathy, loving, giving, etc.  You are to be open-minded, funny and you have to enjoy laughing at yourself.  That is ALL you will be. Note he doesn’t state that you can enjoy laughing at him!

You are understanding and respectful and appreciate those qualities in me.

This time he tells you what you are.  You are understanding and respectful – and you WILL appreciate those qualities in him.  What he left off here is this:  “…as I interpret those qualities.”

This is what he’s currently doing with his life:

Generally: Surfing the curl of the daily experience and picking the next big wave. (Ahh…Escapism through metaphor) Family and Friends are most important. Life is care and devotion to myself and those around me.

Okay, this statement is fraught with issues.  First, he displays how  “intelligent” he is by using metaphor.  He also uses metaphor to escape from having to state what it is he is usually doing, which is trolling dating sites for his next mirror.  That would be “the next big wave.”  

He uses grandiose surfing metaphor to describe what he’s doing with his life, which is precisely NOTHING.  He states that Family and Friends are most important.   I know for fact that he doesn’t get along with his siblings.  His sister moved to Guatemala not too long ago to continue her education through experience, and when I was told about this I got very excited.  I wanted to know how she was, what her experiences were, etc.  

His reply was:  “I don’t know.  She left three months ago.  I haven’t had time to email or call her to find out how she is and what she’s doing.”  

I was stunned.  Had that been MY sister, I’d be emailing her daily, I’d be checking her Facebook to see new photos, I’d send her snail mail so she’d have things from home, cards and little things made and sent with love.  I’d be in constant contact with her.  

He stated his other siblings are “slobs” and had nothing positive to say about them.  Yet Family is most important to him. 

He spoke of his mother in glowing terms.  His mother died in 2007, and she was an excellent surrealist.  When I look at her artwork, I see the emptiness in her.  There is one painting that is scarily desolate.  

It is a depiction of  four humans in the form of trees, and the center “tree” is  obviously an older female who is oblivious to the trees around her.  The other three trees (her children)  surround her and their branches reach toward her.  She stands alone, with clearly defined space around her, space through which her children will never be able to travel.  She is powerful, she has no need of these other trees and in the painting, she is the tree given the most detail.  This painting gave me serious insight to this man’s relationship with his mother.

This man has also told me that he only has one dream.  It’s a dream where he is around 6, standing in the living room, watching his father chop the decorated christmas tree down with an ax.  His father left the family unit when he was 7.  He states that from that point forward, he never had a relationship with his dad because of what his father “did” to his mother.  My guess is that the N’s mother made certain the children drank the kool-aid with regard to their father. 

Notice in his last sentence above that he states that life is care of himself BEFORE it is care for others.  In my experience, care for oneself comes naturally when one gives of oneself to others.  If I actively nurture my friends and family, as well as the family of mankind, I am, by definition, providing care for myself.  I’m not placing myself ahead of others, I am working in TANDEM with others. 

These are his favorite books, movies and shows:

Most of my reading is done on the web.

Yup, most of it IS done on the web.  On dating sites.  He is a remarkably uninformed individual but if you read his pretentious list below, you’ll likely wind up with the notion that he’s remarkably WELL informed and well-read. 

I used to enjoy really long hair stuff like Proust and really silly stuff like Kurt Vonnegut.

I’ve heard Kurt Vonnegut described as many things, but never as “silly.”  Vonnegut is known for populating his novels with characters who are searching for meaning and order in an inherently meaningless and disorderly universe.  He’s known for his irreverent humor, satire of contemporary society and his focus on the futility of warfare and the human capacity for both irrationality and evil.  And this person finds Kurt Vonnegut SILLY

Pedestrian stuff like Michener and scary stuff like King.

Michener is pedestrian?  No.  Danielle Steel is pedestrian.  John Grisham is pedestrian.  Michener?  He wrote from wartime experience; he wrote from his experience as a world-traveler who immersed himself in various cultures.  He wrote compelling epic portraits of those cultures.  Nothing he wrote is pedestrian, yet he is casually lumped in with Stephen King, who, while being a great teller of scary stories, is rather pedestrian. 

Poetry by Stephen Dunn and tanka (Japanese Poetry Method).

Ahh.  Now we are getting to the meat of it.  Stephen Dunn.  Read Poem for People That Are Understandably Too Busy To Read Poetry .  G’wan.  I dare ya.  It’ll open in a new tab, so you can come back here without having to click “back.”  Read this gem and you will know exactly what an N is.  Until today, I hadn’t investigated Stephen Dunn.  Wow.  If I had researched him before I dated this man, I might not have dated him – or, being into poetry myself, would have thought him quite deep for being able to understand Dunn.  Holy shit on a brick.  Read Biography In The First Person .  Wow.  

Next he states he likes Tanka.  He doesn’t state he likes Haiku, which is characterized by the 5-7-5 syllable rhythm.  Oh no.  He’s special, he prefers Tanka, which most people won’t know anything about, and is characterized by the 5-7-5-7-7 syllable rhythm.  Yet, when I replied to one of his initial emails to me in Tanka he didn’t recognize it.  When I pointed it out to him, he said it wasn’t recognizable to him as Tanka.  Excuse me?  Anyone familiar with Tanka would have recognized it immediately.  Devaluation from the very beginning.

I have a wide range in taste in Movies but would watch an Oliver Stone effort over Ron Howard, Cohen brothers over Cronenburg, Burton over Zemeckis…

How many people take the time to tell the world what movie directors they prefer?  This is simply an effort to prove to potential supply that he’s arts-literate.  It’s grandiose, pompous, condescending and indirectly states:  “If you don’t like Oliver Stone over Ron Howard…(ad nauseum) you need to get with the plan.”  And the funny part about this?  He doesn’t watch films like these with ANY regularity.  He’s got a teenage son who monopolizes the television and they watch teenage-appropriate films.  When I suggested seeing an art film at the local art theater, he turned it down without explanation.  He simply said “no.”  

Shows favorites go more abstract: Salome over Cameron, Carmina Burana over Coppelia, Aspects of Love over Gigi, Circ Du Soleil over Ringling Brothers…

I really wish I’d read his profile more carefully.  He’s confusing opera with cult films, male choral performances with ballet, and it doesn’t surprise me in the least that he prefers Aspects of Love over Gigi.  In Aspects of Love, as Alex, the male lead, traipses through life nonchalantly breaking female hearts and at the end, leaves not one, but two women, in favor of a third, who wonders aloud what the future will bring, to which Alex replies “love changes everything.”  It’s not Alex’s love that changes everything.  Alex has no love.  In Gigi, Gaston marries her, because he understands what Gigi has been saying all along – that the world will perceive her as his mistress and Gaston has a conscience.  He doesn’t want to harm Gigi.  It would not surprise me in the least to find this list is merely a regurgitated reflection from comments he’s heard others make.

Music is a bit too large of a topic in my life for this textbox so I will leave it at, there is no genre that I don’t enjoy some part of. Food? Don’t like Brussels Sprouts unless they don’t taste like Brussels Sprouts. Other than that I go from the usual to the exotic in cuisine.

Wait.  He dumped all kinds of pretentious and pompous crap in about other things, but music is “a bit too large of a topic in his life for this textbox?”  If he loved all types of music, why not just state that?  Why not just state that music holds a huge fascination for him and he gravitates toward many types?  Oh no.  He has to mysteriously let us know that it’s “too large of a topic in his life.”   It’s SO large that it won’t fit in a text box that allows unlimited characters.  It’s infinite.  It’s much larger than YOU or I could EVER understand so he’s going to do us the favor of not expounding on it, because: 

At this point his sick of writing a profile that has to impress potential supply well enough to reel them in, and he believes he’s already done that, so he leaves us with a lame comment about not liking brussels sprouts and the generalization that he goes from the usual to the exotic in “cuisine.”  Not “food.”  “cuisine.”

While this is the deconstruction of my N’s online dating profile, perhaps there are elements of it that will help you deconstruct profiles you encounter that just don’t read “right” to you.  If your intuition is telling you that the person who has contacted you isn’t going to be a good thing for you, heed that intuition.  I did not heed it.  I allowed him to charm away my fears.  I allowed him to talk me into dating him.  Most men, when in receipt of an email that says “thank you, but I’m not interested in dating right now” will simply move on.  Not an N.  That presents a challenge for him and his perceived image of himself dictates that he MUST “conquer” this refusal NOW.  So that’s what my N set about doing, in a sympathetic and charming manner – so much so that I capitulated.  

Never again.  Matter of fact, I learned so well from this that just prior to removing all my dating profiles, I received an email from a guy whose approach was similar to the N’s.  I was on instant alert.  I refused him.  He persisted.  I refused.  He persisted.  I refused.  He sent his phone number, telling me he can’t wait until we talk.  I tell him we aren’t going to talk.  He replies that he’s made reservations for us at a fancy restaurant.  I blocked his ass and took down my last dating profile.  

 

 

 

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NPD – Fun With Archaic and Obscure Words: A through I

I was given a clever little gift by someone a couple of years ago.  It’s called:  Reading the OED:  One Man, One Year, 21,730 Pages.

The book is by Ammon Shea, who actually sat down and READ the entire Oxford English Dictionary and wrote his own book about the more interesting archaic and obscure words he encountered.  The book is fun, entertaining and, actually, educational.

An N would love this book, since it would provide him/her some truly “empowering” vocabulary.  By “empowering” I mean that it would provide yet another fun way for the N to obfuscate (great word, huh?) and confuse his or her victim.

So I’m going to have fun pulling words from it that actually describe an NPD.  Notice I don’t say someone who has NPD.  An N is their disorder, hence, “an NPD.”

This post contains the letters A through I.  I will continue at a later date with J.

Enjoy!  Have fun!  Add these words to your vocabulary.  Odds are good your N hasn’t heard of them.

A

Abluvion:  Substance or things that are washed away.  Gosh, this could be synonymous with discarding.  Imagine that.

Addubitation:  A suggestion of doubt.  Oh my.  Does anyone know an N who engages in addubitation?  I do!

Aerumnous:  Full of trouble.  Need I explain?

Assy:  Asinine.  Um – yeah, I think it fits.

Astorgy:  A lack of natural affection.  GASP!  Really???  My N is full of astorgy.  How about yours?

B

Backfriend:  A fake friend; a secret enemy.  Well, Ns are always fake and never friends, but they’re only secret enemies until we figure them out.  bwahahahahaha!

Bayard:  A person armed with the self-confidence of ignorance.  Well golly gosh gee whiz!  Slap your N’s face and call him a Bayard!

Beadledom:  The sense of self-importance and officiousness.  How absolutely delicious!

Bed-swerver:  An unfaithful spouse or lover.  Gosh, imagine an N being unfaithful!

Benignant:  Showing warm feelings toward one’s inferiors.   Be prepared for benignance.  Ns believe themselves superior to everyone!

Bowelless:  Having no bowels; lacking in mercy or compassion.  Gee, I don’t know any Ns who qualify.  (snort!)

Bully-scribbler:  A bullying writer.   Gee.  Anyone received any bullying emails from their N lately?

C

Cacozealous:  Ill-affected, or badly imitating.  Oh me.  Oh my.  What do we know about Ns and their “emotions?”

Charientism:  A rhetorical term to describe saying a disagreeable thing in an agreeable way.  Ns practice charientism all the time.

Conspue:  To spit on someone or something with contempt.  This can be used figuratively, you know.  Ns do this all the time.

D

Dapocaginous:  Having a narrow heart.  This is not a medical term.  I bet you can figure it out.

Desiderium:  A yearning, specifically for a thing one once had but has no more.  “My N has a persistent desiderium for a clean mirror.”

Dyspathy:  The antithesis of sympathy.  Does your N display dyspathy?  Mine did.

E

Elozable:  Readily influenced by flattery.  Oh yes, indeed!  Ns are always elozable!

Expalpate:  To get something through flattery.  My goodness!  Did your N engage in sincere-sounding expalpation?

F

Fedity:  Vile or repuslive practices.  What a handy word to describe an Ns behavior!

Frauendienst:  An exaggerated sense of chivalry toward women.  Most male Ns will exhibit frauendienst when they first meet a woman they think can be a good mirror.

G

Hmm. I didn’t find any under G.

H

Hansardize:  To show that a person has previously expressed opinions differing from the ones he or she now holds.   My N attempted to hansardize me all the time.  He wasn’t successful, which is why I’m such a broken little mirror.  Snort.

Heterodogmatize:  To have an opinion different from the one generally held.  My N was so full of heterodogmatization that his eyes were brown (and he had blue eyes!)  In general, it means one is WRONG.

I

Idiorepulsive:  Self-repelling.  Well, if we think about what an N truly is, and what we know about how an N truly feels about him or herself, I think this is apt.

Immutual:  Not mutual.  Any interaction you have with an N will be immutual with regard to equality.

Infelicitate:  to cause to be unhappy.  The irony of this word is that it makes me very happy.  I love it.  My N, however, engaged in this practice daily.

Inspirado:  a person who thinks himself inspired.  Note from the author:  “If someone is describing you with a noun that ends in -o, chances are, they are not paying you a compliment.”  My N is an inspirado.

 

 

 

 

 

Trolling

I have a theory about dating sites and it includes a huge generalization.  You can bash me for generalizing, but I’m going to do it anyway. I think dating sites are, by and large, a clearinghouse for nutcases.  I say this, and I’m a veteran of dating sites.  I’ve also been told by the men I’ve met who have stayed in touch with me as friends, that I’m an anomaly in that I’m sane.  I’m not sure I can agree with that, since I once dated a guy who called me “bat-shit” crazy, but he’s a friend of mine, and he says that while it’s true, it’s in a good way.

I think there are several reasons people use dating sites.  Speaking from the female experience, I can say that there truly was a point when I wasn’t sane.  This was around 5 months after my husband and I separated.  I did what many people do when they’re in relationship pain – I hopped on a dating site in the erroneous belief that getting a new man interested in me would help ease the pain caused by the split with my husband.

I wonder if everyone is as naive as I was when I joined my first dating site.  I actually believed that if a man evinced enough interest in me to see me for more than a month, and see me two or three times a week that he wasn’t seeing anyone else.  I was a serial dater, and I simply assumed everyone else was one, too.

My first experience with a troll came as quite a shock to me.  Here I’d been dating this man for three months, very regularly.  We’d become physically involved and by the end of the third month, he was at my home almost every day.  One day I woke up and realized I hadn’t taken my dating profile down, and since I assumed (silly me) that I was in an exclusive relationship with this man, the right thing to do was to make myself unavailable online.  So I headed out to the dating site…to find my boyfriend’s face staring at me with “online now!” glowing brightly beneath his chin.

His IM was open, so I IMd him asking why he was “online now!”  His reply made me want to shower, immediately.  He said:  “Because I’m looking for dates.”  It was  nonchalant, in my face, and I felt used, dirty, angry, hurt, and above all – STUPID.

I sat there, stunned for a bit, and then replied back:  “How long have you been doing this?”  He replied: “what do you mean?  I’ve had this account for almost a year.”  Well, that told me what I needed to know.  I broke it off with him in IM.  I simply said: “Oh.  So the entire time you’ve been practically living at my house, eating my food, taking me out and about and sleeping in my bed, you’ve been seeing other women?  He replied: “yup.”  Clearly no remorse there.  He even had a key to my house.  I replied:  “Okay.  You can have the other women, I don’t want sloppy seconds.  Bye.  Locks are changed today.”

Three years later, I get an email from the same man, on a different site,  introducing himself to me.  I obviously made a huge impression on him.  Sure, my photos weren’t the same as they’d been three years earlier, but it was still me and I hadn’t changed the way I looked.  He didn’t remember me – AT ALL.  That was established  when he replied my email that said  “what, you don’t remember me?”  with: “No, should I?”

It’s so nice to know I’m not the least bit unique.  (snort!) I replied:  “Ahh.  It’s nice to know I’m not the only stupid woman out there.  Obviously there are plenty who will allow a dumbfuck shit like you to practically live with them for three months.”  He didn’t even have the good sense not to reply.  Instead he whines:  “I don’t see why you have to call me names.”  Yeah, whatever.

I took my profile off all sites and gave myself a break from online dating for a year.  During that year I got leered at by toothless 80-year-old men and groped at a gas station by a 20-something.  I was asked out by a gorgeous podiatrist who was a regular at the coffeeshop where I was a regular.  He gave great foot massages – until I found out he was married.  My next date was a guy I met at the local fine arts museum.  He SAID he was single.  He APPEARED to be single.  He very obviously didn’t share his apartment with anyone else.  Turns out “single” to him meant having an 11 year affair with a married woman who, when she found out about me, started stalking me.

So I gave up.  I spent another year just being by myself.  I still went to museums and lectures but I turned down all dates.  I couldn’t trust men at that point.  I couldn’t trust myself to be able to tell if a man was a GOOD man.  Then I re-upped on the dating site.  The emails came pouring in.  I had more date offers than I could accept.  This time, I watched each man I dated.  Each one of them evinced “serious” interest in me, lavished me with attention, and every night, I’d hop online, hide my profile in a flash, and go looking.  There they were – all of them – each man who was “serious” about me – trolling.

I recently asked a male friend why men continue trolling even after they’ve become involved with a woman to the point where they’re having sex and are spending most of their time with her.  He said it’s because dating sites create the illusion that there’s always something “better” around the corner.  He also said that his circle of single male friends, all of whom were on dating sites, were there simply because the pickings were so easy.  They could have sex with a different woman every night of the week if they wanted to.  Some were in “committed” relationships with two or three women and their rationale for this behavior was that they were entitled to do that, because what if they dumped the others in favor of just one and that one turned out to be “crazy?”

Dating sites perpetuate the myth that the grass is always greener elsewhere.  My N is still out there trolling.  I keep an eye on him because when he stops trolling I know he’s fallen into self-pity mode and will soon be contacting me.  I like to be prepared and since his profiles are all public, I don’t have to belong to any site to see them.  My N, by the way, has been trolling dating sites for just over seven years now, and he trolled his way through a six year “relationship” with the victim prior to me.  I’m really glad I never became physically involved with him – God knows what STDs he has.

It’s the trolls and my experience with my N that sent me running screaming from online dating for good.  Why should I invest any time in a man who is obviously only seeing me until he finds something “better?”

See, that’s the problem with online dating.  People seem to think that if they don’t continue trolling they might be “settling” in some way. Pop-psychology, and all sorts of relationship self-help books would have us believe that we are entitled to have everything we want and that there is ONE person out there who will magically have every quality we’ve ever idealized about, and that ONE person is just around the dating site corner.

I’m now convinced that online dating is just a relationship disaster waiting to happen.

I’m also convinced that if you’re on a dating site, and you’re fit for human consumption, you will figure out, sooner rather than later, that dating sites are Darwin’s waiting room.  Those who are fit leave and survive by getting REAL lives.  Those who remain (the ones whose profiles show them as being members for more than 6 months, and always show as having been online within 24 hours) are doomed to the emotional stasis found in chasing shiny objects across the universe.

If you find your date “online now!” directly after a date with you, dump that idiot and move on, otherwise YOU are the idiot.  If you date someone who has been a member of a dating site for more than 6 months and you’ve seen that person is online daily, YOU are the idiot. That’s my opinion.  Feel free to disagree, but don’t come posting here when the door to Darwin’s waiting room opens and your name is called.  That’s not mean, it’s common sense.

Of course, if all you’re looking for is a one-night stand or a quick heart-break,  have at it.  There are trolls a’plenty hidin’ under them there dating site bridges!

 

 

How to Spot a Narcissistic Personality Disorder Before the First Date – Online Dating

It’s hard.

Email might give you some clue, but odds are good he or she is on best behavior so you won’t see the signs.

Phone might give you some clue, but odds are good that he or she is on best behavior so you won’t see the signs.

That said, here are some pink flags that will probably turn into flaming red flags if you’re interacting with an NPD:

1.  There’s a lot of use of “I” and “me.”

2.  She or he states they feel completely comfortable with you; like they’ve known you for years.

3.  You feel completely comfortable, like you’ve known this person for years.  Odds are you have – in your last relationship or marriage, through a parent, or even through friends you might have.

4.  There is a great deal of emphasis on this person’s accomplishments followed by self-deprecating “humor.” (fishing trips)

5.  The individual seems to present as a victim of circumstance.

6.  The individual will be all OVER you in email and phone.

7.  The individual will rush you; he or she will make statements that lead you to believe they’ve developed a serious interest in you.  (you haven’t even met yet, remember?)

8.  If you have to reschedule your first meeting due to a legitimate conflict in your schedule the individual pushes you to meet them on the original day, anyway.

9.  The individual’s profile reads like “extreme” goodness, empathy, compassion, etc.  He or she has “extreme” interests, and their listed interests have more extreme high-brow and obscure literature, film and music references than you would expect.

10.  The first email from the individual isn’t introductory, rather; the person has zeroed in on only one aspect of your profile and then proceeded to ask questions as though they are an expert on the subject.

11.  The individual shrugs off your opinions, or becomes argumentative.  Usually up front, they will shrug off your commentary and very adroitly and charmingly turn the conversation back around to themselves.  This is a sign they don’t want to hear about you.

12.  There is little flow to the conversation.  Your input is generally negated (but in a passive and gentle manner – for now!).

13.  When you ask a tough question, they won’t answer it.  The subject will be changed.

14.  Most importantly:  Listen.  You will hear yourself being repeated back to you.  What you think is warm, loving, giving, compassionate, witty, or socially graceful conversation will likely be the N pulling from the storehouse of information he or she already has about you.  They are very perceptive people, superficially.  They have to be, since they can display no emotion that is truly theirs other than rage.  You will find this person wonderful because you are being reflected back at you.  The N has no capacity for empathy and has no real feelings of his or her own.  The wonderful person you think you are talking to is yourself.

There are more flags, but this is enough for now.

Remember – READ those profiles.  Get a friend to read them with you, particularly if you are contacted by someone who is easy on the eyes, charming, witty, and does NOT send an introductory email – but sends one zeroing in on only one aspect of your profile.  Anyone who is truly interested in YOU will comment on most, if not all, the aspects of your profile that they found admirable or interesting.  They will send a well-thought-out and well-written email, not:

“Ay!  Do you do large metal sculpture in the style of (someone they’ve searched on Wiki)?  Are  you familiar with (something they’ve searched on Wiki).”

Beware of any email that begins “Ay!” (snort!)

Stolen Title: “Sow the Wind, Reap the Whirlwind”

I just stumbled upon a blog with some very good bulleted characteristics of NPD, along with lists of other emotionally damaging characteristics to look for.

I stole my post title from one of the characteristics the author lists in her blog as one of the 5 traits of a narcissist.

Have a look:

Think Like a Black Belt

There’s good information there, peeps.

I Heard a Story…

…yesterday while talking to a friend about his three years with a woman who was(is) Borderline Personality Disorder.  I’ve read where this disorder has many crossover traits with NPD, and as he told me his experience, I felt, again, how lucky I was to have ended it with my N only 3 months into it, instead of 3 years.  I can’t imagine spending that much time with that kind of chaos in my life.

As my friend talked and told me about several of his online dating experiences, I became even more convinced that my decision to get clear of online dating is a good decision.  I’ve heard stories from several men about their experiences, and when I hear these stories, I always run them through my filters because I know that I’m only hearing one side of it.

Even filtered, the women these men dated were pure crazy.  It’s the only way to describe them.  So I’m wondering, are the women on dating sites just as bad as the men?  I’m certain not EVERYONE on a dating site has issues, but I have yet to experience anyone who is truly balanced, emotionally healthy and in control of their lives and themselves.

The first year I was on Match (2004-2005) I met 19 alcoholics.  There was one who I met and truly liked a lot.  He lived around 50 miles from me and when he would come to visit, he’d get a hotel room at the local HI Express.  He never drank around me.  He was wonderful to me.  We progressed to where I felt comfortable visiting him at his home.  He invited me to come up on a Saturday morning.  I arrive and his sister opens the door.  Surprise number one.  I had no idea his sister was visiting.

She let me in, introduced herself and said “he’s in the living room – it’s down the hall and to the left. If you need me, I’m in the study.”  That comment confused me a bit – why would I need her?  So I headed into the living room.  Surprise number two.  There he was, sprawled on an air mattress, in his underwear, passed out, with Steel Reserve cans littering the living room floor.

I headed back out of the living room and into the study where she said:  “I could have called you and told you, but I felt it was better for you to see it.  He’s like this all the time.  The Air Force grounded him because of it, his wife took their child and left him because of it and he’s about to lose this house because of it.”

Sis did me a huge favor.

One down, 18 to go.  Even the guys who said they “never” drank were heavy drinkers.  I soon changed my profile to say:  “If you drink at all, do not contact me.”   No one contacted me.  So I took that out.  The last drunk I met on Match hid it just as well until the first time I went to his home.  It was a wreck.  There are wrecks and there are wrecks.  This was the latter category.  Still, he’d cleaned his kitchen and dining room and had prepared a wonderful meal for me, so I stayed for dinner – and watched as he pounded down 15 bottles of Ice House beer.  I did the dishes, and when I turned around, he’d disappeared.  I was getting ready to leave (for good!) walked down the hall to use the bathroom, and found him sitting naked on the toilet, passed out.

I left.

There was the guy who had broken up with his girlfriend the week prior and didn’t tell me until the third date, on the patio at his house, that he was hurting so badly from the break up.  I wound up listening for a polite period (he was drinking the entire time) and then I left.

There was a member of the local symphony who, after one date, called me incessantly to find out where I was, what I was doing, and then, one evening when I wasn’t at home when he called, just ripped into me.  NEXT!

There was one who was charming, absolutely wonderful.  I wound up moving 85 miles to live with him with an eye toward marriage (mutually discussed.)  He waited until I was totally unpacked, dropped the mask and the abuse started.  Two years later, I found my strength and left.   He still tries to be my “friend.”

There was the guy who was amazing until the time he came to my house (5th time we’d been together – hadn’t been physical) and pulled anal beads out of his pocket and started playing with them.

There was the guy who was OMG beautiful to look at.  Stunning.  He was great for three dates and then the ugliness started. Just prior to that I found out that he wasn’t divorced – he wasn’t even legally separated.  He simply lived in the “small” house at the end of the “big house” driveway.  His wife lived in the “big house.”  I Left him downtown one night – he was 95 miles from home.  His car was at my house.  I got home, got his stuff together, put it all on the hood of his car, along with his keys and a note that said:  “do not ever contact me again.”  He still texts me every now and then.  I have subsequently found out that he’s been arrested more than once for drunk and disorderly in public, domestic violence and had several DUIs.

There was the guy who, on our first date at a lovely northern Italian restaurant, poured me a glass of wine, ordered and then looked at me and said:  “you’re gorgeous.  I’d love to see you 20 lbs lighter.”  I looked at him and said:  “you’re gorgeous, too and I’d love to see your IQ 20 points higher” and left.  As I was leaving he yelled after me:  “Stupid cunt bitch!”

I’ve met one man on a dating site who is wonderful.  Truly a good guy.  We’ve been friends for 6 years.  He had his chance 6 years ago, but he was just out of a 20 year marriage and put himself out there too soon.  This past February he told me the stupidest thing he ever did was push me away.  We’re beyond the point of romantic relationship though – that time passed as we morphed into close friends.  He’s been involved for 3 years now with a woman from a dating site who has borderline personality disorder.  She’s got severe health issues and her doctors don’t give her long to live (of course – that was 18 months ago), and this man feels “honor bound” to take care of her.  Co-dependent.  She’s just like his ex-wife.  I couldn’t have anything but a friendship with him because I’ve seen too much of his relationship patterns.  We’ll stay friends.

There was the guy who waited until date two at a fancy restaurant to tell me he “actually” had five children, not two.  The youngest was 10 months old and his wife was pregnant with number six – by him.  Funny, his profile said he was divorced.

So, given this array of specimens to be found on dating sites, add to it my latest – the N – and I’m not dating anyone from a dating site ever again.  I’ll take my chances in the real world and maybe I’ll get lucky.

I’d love it if some of you would post your dating site experiences here.

Hey Guys! Did You Know That Wearing a Ball Cap in Your Photo…

…automatically lowers your IQ by about 50 points?

I closed all my profiles, but Match still keeps mine open until my 3 month subscription runs out in October (at which time I will BE on their ass like the proverbial flaming bag of dog poop if they auto-bill me for another 3 months, since I cancelled the subscription a month ago!).  I’ve been getting lots of “winks” from guys in ball caps.  I’ve been getting emails telling me that God has told men in ball caps to marry me.  A man in a ball cap emailed to let me know he wanted to shower me with rose petals and massage baby oil into my feet.  A man in a ball cap who I suspect is Nigerian told me he would love to meet me, if only he could find the money to get to America to do it.

A man in a ball cap with his arm around a slinky blonde too old to be his daughter emailed to tell me I was invited to his tailgate party.  A 26 year old man (I’m 49)  in a ball cap that had “IWFU” embroidered on the front emailed to tell me how “hot” I am and that he didn’t know a woman as “hot, sexy, and intelligent” as I am lived in my city.  Can you guess what “IWFU” means?  I can…

Boys, wearing a ball cap in a primary, okay in ANY online dating profile photo, causes me to immediately click past your profile.  I don’t even read it.  That  sound I just heard might have been YOU, my knight in shining armor (and ball cap) thundering down my street on a well-caparisoned charger, but if I’d been interested enough to take a look, the ball cap on top of your helmet would have immediately sent me for a camera so I could post your photo on Facebook for my weekly caption contest.

Ball caps in online dating profile photos mean TWO things to me:

1.  You’re bald and ashamed of it.

2.  You’re too stupid to realize that wearing a ball cap in an online dating profile photo assists with the presumption that you’re bald and ashamed of it.

Men who wear a ball cap in an online dating profile photo are the equivalent of a woman with a big dog sitting in her lap while she peers out from behind the dog and smiles oh-so-coyly into the camera.  Like the big dog, the ball cap is hiding something, and that something may be a lot more than a lack of hair.

Jus’ sayin’!

I also think it’s really interesting that one of the suggested tags for this post was “Ohio.”  Amazing.  Two of those men WERE from Ohio.

If Barney had NPD (cited)

I just lifted this from another forum.  It’s perfect.  Sing it to the tune of the theme from the kid’s show “Barney.”

 

If Barney Had NPD

You love me. You bore me.
Life’s surreal with NPD
It’s cluster-B psychopathology
Everything is me me me

You love me. You bore me.
I am perfect you will see
I need N-supply to keep my sanity
Use them interchangeably

You love me. You bore me.
You don’t exist actually
Devalue you and take it all for free
Because you give it willingly

You love me. You bore me.
Disordered personality
With a fractured handle on reality
Shut it off and watch TV

 

You can find this poem and more great info here at PsychForums

Oooh – a GREAT one from Simone Grant

This is fabulous.  I love Simone Grant’s dating site.  I wish I could find the sense of humor she has and apply it to my recent N experience.  Well, maybe one day!

Asshole Shield

NPD – Don’t Trust a Narcissist With Your Laundry.

It’s amazing the analogies one can create for the way an N “communicates.”

Today I was thinking about laundry.  I thought about loading the machine and the cycles the washing machine goes through.  Here are my definitions for the cycles, as they pertain to an individual who is NP.

Load:  This is supply.  This is what the N is constantly hunting for.  It’s the only thing that creates any meaning for his existence.  It is why he is still living.  He loads up with supply (information)  from various mirrors past and present.

 

Wash:  This is what the N does when he runs the information gained from his mirrors through his filters.  He washes it because he’s certain there’s dirt in there somewhere.  He uses tons of detergent, because he is hyper-vigilant for dirt.  He’s looking for dirt, for anything he deems an imperfection; a stain.  He has a special filter for the dirt, one that siphons it carefully off into a container for further perusal.

 

Rinse:  This is what an N does with his supply once he’s decided his load might be clean (and clean for him is bad news for us).  He runs it through his rinse cycle, over and over until he is satisfied that his load is clean.  Time to step back from him, because the next thing he does is:

 

Spin:  This is what the N does when he spits that information back out at his latest source of supply.  It comes out confused, jumbled and much worse for the wear and tear from going through the rinse cycle so often.  It comes out covered with the dirt he found and carefully stored, and it is unrecognizable to anyone as the information that originally went in.

Ns are always doing laundry, but they rarely put the laundry in the dryer.  They leave it all twisted up in the washing machine.  That laundry might contain your information, his last victim’s information, his hated boss’s information, his ex-wife’s information, his “bad” child’s information – it can contain anything.

 

And there you are, right in front of him, so he grabs your arm, leads you to his washer and shows you the tangled mess in his washing machine and YOU are to blame for all of it.  Every last bit of it.   No matter that the majority of the laundry in there isn’t yours and that what IS yours is now unrecognizable.  You are his current mirror, you didn’t give him what he is entitled to have (because he’s special, you know) and YOU now must be punished by being blamed for everything every mirror in his life didn’t reflect back to him in the proscribed manner.

 

So you decide you’re not going to interact with the N any more since he can’t do laundry for shit.

 

Here’s a great big what if:  This is what scares me about my N:

 

What if he can’t find someone else to provide him the supply you just removed from him?  What if he is on three dating sites and because you’ve been watching since you want some indication as to his state of mind, and you see his activity on those sites escalate to the point of obsession?  What if you know he’s not finding supply because you know it took him 5 months to find YOU, after his last source dried up?

 

What do you do when your intuition tells you he’s desperate for supply and at some point in the near future, that desperation is going to cross your path, despite your efforts to distance yourself from him, and you know he won’t yield right of way to you?  What do you do when your intuition tells you your N is about to turn all his internalized rage on you at some point in the near future when it becomes apparent to him that he just can’t get a date, much less a woman who will feed his need for supply for an extended period? 

 

This is where I am right now.  He’s already proven to me that my personal space and boundaries are of no consequence to him.  He’s already told me that I’m nothing to him.  He’s articulated on many occasions (in a courteous and considerate manner, of course) what a stupid, unworthy, and hateful person I am.  He’s discarded me, but my gut tells me he’ll be back and it won’t be with flowers and candy.  It won’t be in a (falsely) penitent manner.

 

I know my only recourse if he shows up here again.  I’ll have to call the police.  That will delight him no end.  He’ll wait for them to show up and then he’ll charm the badges and guns off them and use them on me.

 

Yet…I refuse to allow this to consume me.  It will not control me.  He is not allowed to dump his tangled mess of laundry on me.  How do I stay one step ahead of this monster?