How Utterly…Perfect

Sam Vaknin describes his own sexuality as it exists within his NPD thusly:

It is not that I don’t want to have sex. I want to very much. I am unusually sensual and sensuous. I have the most delicious imagination.

But it is all mixed with murderous rage towards women. You cannot begin to fathom the depths of hatred and disdain, the contempt I feel towards these mermaids: half predators, half parasites.

My only consolation is the ease with which I can tease and then subjugate and then frustrate and then humiliate them. It is such a sweet revenge, such gratification that it often outweighs the pleasure of sex itself.

I am not a physical type, so I will never harm a woman physically. But, wherever possible to inflict pain and to drive a woman to the limits of her sanity – I do a good job of it.

I never stalk or threaten or do anything to impose myself.

I don’t need to.

Women get addicted to me effortlessly.

All I need to do is to be my maddeningly frustrating and inaccessible self.”

I couldn’t have described my N any better.  He flirted, got physical, would touch, etc., but if any of it was at all reciprocated, he would stop, immediately.  

Games.  Ns are all about games.  All about that internal superego telling them they’re so much better than the inferior woman whose foot they are currently massaging, whose neck they are kissing, whose back they are stroking.  One instance of proof that I would reciprocate and my N withdrew.  Totally.  Just dumped my feet off his lap and picked up his laptop, turned away from me and started burning a CD.

I didn’t understand it then.  I do now.  He doesn’t want sex with anyone but himself, because he is the only person with whom he can allow himself to be intimate.  It’s a truly pitiful and vicious cycle.



3 thoughts on “How Utterly…Perfect

  1. I recently reread the book “Serpentine.” It had been 30 years since I first read it and I ran across it when I went back to see my parents. It is based on a true story. Although the main character is referred to as a psychopath, I have to say that while rereading it I was struck by his narcissism. He, too, would “seduce” a woman only to deny her sex. If he did have sex, it was reluctantly used as a carrot to keep her in line and then he would go months and withhold sex to exert control. Knowing what I do about NPD now, it was a totally different story.

    Curious, I went online and saw that although this man is currently in prison in Nepal (and in his 60s), he’s got a 20-year-old “wife” who’s enamored with him though they’ve only kissed. If you’d told me these people existed five years ago, I would have thought you were crazy. Who knew such twisted psyches walked amongst us?

    • Jan, I’d have thought the same thing. If someone had told ME 5 years ago that such twisted psyches walked amongst us, lived next door to us, worked with us, dated us, etc., I, too, would have thought the person crazy. I always thought you could just “tell” someone like that. You can’t. As I have painfully discovered, the only way to “tell” is to interact with the individual, thus placing ourselves in danger. That said, this last interaction has provided me much knowledge and even though it’s cliched now, knowledge IS power. I know what to look for now. My issue is finding the balance and remembering that while some people may occasionally display some of the traits that make me wary, this does not mean the individual is NPD. That said, if I see the traits at this point, I’m simply going to disappear. Poof!

  2. And they walk among us in sheep’s clothing. I’m not inclined to date – at all. I’m going to see if I can find the book, Serpentine.

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