I need to remember to read and re-read my own freaking blog. Taking the characteristics listed below, this is what I saw, but remained blind to (get it?) from the start: They’re not in order of Zamoracatalina’s list, but this is how they played out:
1. Very charismatic and charming at first…
Oh yes. Oh my oh my. You know – I thought it odd, that after inviting himself on my hiking trip (which turned into a stroll) as soon as we got out of the car, and started walking, he puts his arm around my shoulders. I can’t walk that way, and I told him. He apologized, saying maybe he’d been too forward. Well, yes, but that’s not what I said. I said I couldn’t walk that way. As we were crossing a causeway, he did it again, and I shrugged it off. He went silent for a bit. I just toodled along beside him, pointing out all the glorious sites up in the mountains. He wasn’t the least bit interested. He didn’t speak again until he got close to the lake and spotted some tadpoles, so naturally, I had to come look. Good thing I did, huh?
He showed up at my house, the next day, uninvited, bearing a grocery store gift card for $100 and a gas card for $50. When I exclaimed that he shouldn’t have done it (and I needed it BADLY – finances have been my weak point and he exploited them), he continued to hold them in front of me – he was standing behind me so his body had to be close to mine and both his arms were around me waving these cards in my face. So I took them and set them on the counter. He tapped them and said something to the effect that I wasn’t to forget to use them. I thought it was very kind of him, but at that point, I wasn’t really sure I wanted physical contact. By the end of the week, he’d charmed me into that, too. I was smitten. Totally.
2. Exaggerates personal achievements
Well, where do I start? He told me he was a pastor. Well, he was. To a congregation of 12. Now, that’s not an easy job, especially when you have only 12 folks in your congregation and you have to deal with them almost daily. He talked about performing marriages (found out later he’s not licensed to do so – and he’s not an ordained minister), and performing funerals, and about how oh-so-many years after he left the church, an elderly woman died and wanted “HER” pastor to do her funeral. He complained that her children were attempting to block it, and he had no idea why. I bet I know.
He told me he was a “master” trainer where he works. He said he was given that title because he “developed” the training program that the company has used for 15 years. Not true. He helped with the development but “master trainer” isn’t his title. It’s just “trainer.”
He boasted of sitting on a board where he and other deacons doled out available money to indigent folks who came asking for help. He said that was his “all time favorite job.” Of course it was. He had control over these people’s lives. He said that he would deny help if he thought the individual had “smoked all their money away,” or “if they didn’t seem organized enough to run errands efficiently so they could save gas. Stupid stuff. I’m sorry, if a young couple comes in, with a child, and their income can be verified and they need food for the baby and diapers, and one of them happens to smell like cigarette smoke, is it not possible that the smell of smoke was from a cigarette that was bummed from someone, or that they just walked through a bunch of smokers? Anything is possible – and around here – most people who smoke roll their own, since buying pre-packaged is waaaay too expensive. He loved to judge others. Just LOVED it.
3. Denies he has issues to work on…
When we met, he told me he and his wife had been separated for more than a year. He told me that he went to marital counseling with her for 9 months (I think it was probably far less than that) once a week, and finally just stopped because his wife and the therapist would “beat up” on him and he actually said: “I’m not the one with the problems! SHE is. WTF? It was like I never did anything right and I did everything in my power to make her happy and she damned well knows it!” Uh huh. Right down to walking out on her mid-sentence when he sensed a criticism and then giving her the silent treatment for days until she begged for his attention, at which time he would grant it provided (according to his telling of it) “she’d seen what happens when she turns into a bitch.”
Nothing was ever his fault, even in the face of irrefutable proof. He was and is the king of spin. I could tell him he said something, he’d deny it, I’d pull up the text to prove it, and he’d say that wasn’t proof, because I could have altered it. Yeah, right. Okay.
4. Exaggerates the truth or blatantly lies.
OMG. Where do i start. He told me he was separated and living with his sister when I met him. Two months later, he said something that pointed clearly to the fact that he’d moved back home. When I confronted him with it, he said he’d had to move home because “she” had to spend a month taking care of her mother. So I asked why he didn’t move back out when “she” moved back home. He told me his sister didn’t want him there and he didn’t have enough money to live on his own, so he was “stuck” but he rushed to assure me they weren’t sharing a bed. Uh huh. Right. Her schedule was wonky enough that it WAS believable and he told me he was sleeping on the sofa. Well, one evening he texted me a photo complaining of the “mess” his wife had left in the bedroom. I asked why he was in the bedroom. He said: “We take turns sleeping here, one week she does and the next week I do.” HUH? Yeah – I swallowed it. It was that wonky schedule again.
He promised me his wife was well aware of the separation and that there would be no reconciliation. Turns out she wasn’t quite as aware of the “no reconciliation” part as he was, since on Jan 1 of this year, she asked him where he saw them this year. What would make her ask that, I wonder? Hmmm.
He started spending Saturday nights at my house. He started this on my birthday weekend and when I asked him how he was able to do it (at this point, I knew he was deathly afraid of having his wife find out about me), he shrugged and said: “I told her I’m spending saturday nights out with friends and am going to crash with whatever friend i’m with – I told her it was MY night.” I should have kicked him out of my bed. Nope. Didn’t. Should have thought “damn, if he lies to HER like this, what are the odds that anything he tells me is true?” Nope – didn’t let it surface.
He told me he loved me. BIG lie. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Bigger lie. See, what he wanted was the ideal of me – the perfect woman, who catered to his every need, who told him he was fabulous – he wanted the static illusion – the fantasy he’d built in his head of what a great relationship would be. Only…I’m not static. I’m not a blow up doll. I’m human. He didn’t like the human part. Not one bit.
5. Does not take criticism well and becomes defensive easily. Is easily hurt or insulted.
HAH! He could dish it out but boy he couldn’t take it. Once, I actually tried to have a conversation with him about all the lies he was telling his wife and to see if I could move him toward telling her he was involved with someone else. According to him, she’d asked enough times. He always told her “no.” He turned his face away from me, his jaw started working hard, he drummed his fingers on the side of the sofa, picked up the remote and started channel surfing. I asked him not to do that and to please pay attention, as this was important to me. He tossed the remote on the table, got up, got his car keys and wallet and left. Later he texted me that he didn’t want anymore questions like that because he’d told me “at least a thousand times” that he couldn’t tell his wife. Yeah, but he’d never told me why…
In January, I caught him in a blatant lie. He received a text from a woman who used to work with him and with whom he admitted he “came close” to having an affair with. His wife used to babysit her child while she was at work, and this woman had come to pick him up, went in the living room with the N, sat on the sofa and apparently they almost started kissing while his wife was in the other room getting this woman’s child ready to go home. Why the eff wasn’t this woman helping her??? I know why.
So when I saw the text pop up, I saw her photo right along with it. IT was a LONG text. He immediately hid his phone in his pocket. I casually said: “Got a text?” He replied: “No.” My jaw dropped and I said: “yes you did – I heard it and saw it.” He said: “No I didn’t, that wasn’t a text.” Me: “Yes, it was – and it was from Nicole – I know it was. I saw her picture.” Him: “No – it was from a woman I worked with 15 years ago.” Me: “I know everyone you associate with. You’ve talked about them often enough and in not very glowing terms – except for Nicole. But you’ve never mentioned this woman. It wasn’t some woman who you used to work with – it was Nicole, admit it.”:
So he admitted it and I demanded to read the text. He deflected by saying: “she just wanted to know how my day is going. Friends ask those things, you know.” I replied: “That was a very long text – please show it to me.” He refused. When we got to my house, I refused to allow him to come in and he got angry with me for that, squealed out of the driveway, and sped up the road. Later, he said he was angry at himself, but that was only because he knew he’d been caught and he feared losing his supply over his stupidity.
6. Shows no remorse or guilt for mistakes or hurt he dishes out.
The only real apology I ever got from him was when he saw the email I’d sent to his wife and where I’d told her I was sending her a copy snail mail. Then he was all over me in apology. He specifically said:
“now that you have me at your mercy, I’m begging you not to send that letter. At least leave the paragraph about Nicole out of it if you feel you must send it. I haven’t talked to her in over a year. I don’t want her life ruined, too. I’m everything you said I was, and I’m so sorry I’ve ruined your life (he has the power to RUIN my life!!!!), and I’m going to tell “her” (his wife) tomorrow and ask her, since she can’t get health insurance on her own, if we can just stay married in name only and be free to see who we want. Please please please give me a few minutes of your time so we can talk?”
Stupidly, I took the call. He immediately began accusing me, and then backed off when he saw I was dead serious. Then he says: “I’m going to tell her in a couple of weeks about the staying married bit – but not tomorrow because she’s had a lot to deal with lately and I don’t want to add to it.”
Excuse the eff outta ME? He showed ME no such consideration when he dumped all kinds of abuse on ME earlier in the week.
So I sent it snail mail and restricted delivery to recipient only. Mean old me. I probably “ruined” his life, you know. That was the ONLY time he ever apologized and he didn’t mean it. He was sorry he was going to get caught. Asshole.
7. Frequently humiliates or abuses others although he doesn’t see it as abuse. Considers most others in the world “idiots.”
Yup. The “idiots’ he interviewed. The “idiots” he works with. The “stupid cunt” and “worthless bitch” he was married to. The “jackass at radio shack who sold him his new phone.
8. Sulks when he doesn’t get his way.
OMG. OMFG! Yes. Toward the end – back in June, he’d started withdrawing – getting even more distant and cold. Typical. He was getting ready to discard me if I didn’t fall into line. I asked him to PLEASE tell me what was wrong. This is what he said: “My tank is empty. I’d like a toe-curling kiss and a home cooked meal from you.” That’s not such a terrible request – only he said it when he knew I was freaking over money, he was withholding financial support, I’d gone 6 weeks without income because my state couldn’t seem to figure out how to file a combined state wage unemployment claim and my food stamps got screwed up. He said it when I was sleep-deprived and he knew it, and when he knew I was extremely vulnerable and when I told him I understood how he might feel neglected because at that point I was taking care of MY business and not him, and that I felt it was kind of bad timing on his part, he blasted me. “See? See what happens when I Tell you how I feel? You just use it against me.” He may as well have added “you bitch” to it. I know he was thinking it.
When we finally broke up – I’d told him I felt we needed a break and I didn’t think I wanted to see him any more. He had to have the last word. He “dumped” me in text by saying “I can’t do the boyfriend thing anymore – my tank is empty. I failed you by not fixing your financial situation (huh????) and my bills are too much as it is.” He did this the day my niece committed suicide.
He did it the one time I really COULD have used his support. He just tells me I’m a financial burden etc. Oh, and he also told me earlier in the year that he’d taken a loan from his 401K so I wouldn’t have so much to struggle with. 5000K. I saw maybe 500 of it, in the form of HIM paying things. He never actually GAVE me any of it to use as I saw fit. During one conversation he told me he’d cashed out insurance policies to support me. I think that’s a lie. Still, I included it in the letter I sent his wife, along with the info about the 5 grand.
9. Is unable to demonstrate or understand empathy or compassion/lacks conscience.
Oh yeah. My feelings never counted. Once, I asked him if he would PLEASE just sit down and allow me to talk about my feelings without jumping in and attempting to fix things and/or make the conversation all about him. He replied: “I’m not that emotional guy. I don’t get it. If you want emotion, I’m not that guy.”
He never once offered condolences regarding my niece; never asked how I was holding up, yet last saturday, he thought it was appropriate to text me a photo of the new car he’d just bought.
Yup. Mr. Financial Issues, just bought a brand new shiny car. See – he got rid of me, so now he can afford something REALLY nice.
Oh hell – I’m tired and I think you get the picture. I could cite many examples of each of the criteria, but I feel like I’m beating a dead horse. Literally. The man is dead inside. No spark of real life. Just what he’s culled from his supply over the years. He has no idea how to be human – and this guy was a pastor.
Part of me hopes he goes back to his wife, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the women out there are safe. He told me he never cheated on her but I don’t believe it. He told me I was only the second woman he’d ever been with, sexually, in his life. He married very young. I don’t believe him. He wasn’t THAT naive in bed – for a man who said he only had sex 3 times a year – on Christmas, his birthday and his anniversary, and then it was always missionary and over in 2 minutes. He admitted to watching a lot of porn “to make up for the sex she withheld.”
I’m sure he’s back having sex with his favorite two-dimensional porn stars now, cuz he sure ain’t having sex with me. Maybe Nicole (who is married, btw) is servicing him now. Who knows. I don’t care. I hope he rots in hell. REally. That’s not anger – that’s a genuine wish, ROFL.