Suicide is NOT Painless

A very dear and young family member of mine committed suicide during the early hours of this morning.  I’m so sad.  She was diagnosed bipolar after she joined the military at age 21.  She was given a medical discharge and the next 8 years consisted of medicaid doctors adding one medication after another.  For years, she had a sink-sized tub full of pill bottles of medication that she took daily.

I often thought the medication was what was causing her psychotic breaks.  She was on so much stuff, with so many contraindications and although I attempted to explain this to her caregiver and to her, everyone simply trusted the doctors knew what was best.  She was on anti-psychotics, anxiety meds, ADHD meds, sleep meds, and every kind of mood disorder medication you can think of.  She took them religiously, believing they helped her.

I believe they killed her.  Big Pharm made a fortune off her.  And now she’s dead.  Is it the medication’s fault?  Who knows.  All I know is that at the end, she chose to overdose.  She certainly had plenty of pills to do it with.

Smart, kind, loving, funny, incredibly intelligent,  clinically depressed for certain, but bipolar?  I can’t say that I agree with that.  I’m no doctor so I had no credibility when I presented my research.

She loved rocks and minerals.  I was working on a suncatcher for her, using an aquamarine crystal I’d dug up from a mine – it had too many fault lines to cut for gems, so I left it whole and was slowly incorporating it into a design that would give her rainbows on her walls.  Now it will be hung at her memorial.  I hope, wherever she is, that she can see it.

RIP, my beloved niece.  You will be greatly missed.

This photo is for you, because I know you liked it.



3 thoughts on “Suicide is NOT Painless

  1. Very sorry for your & your family’s loss…very sad to see someone so young lose their way and make this choice that cannot be undone. Just heart-broken for you all. 😦

  2. Thank you, Tracy. I honestly believe if she’d been carefully weaned off some of the almost two dozen meds she was taking, and been monitored while doing it, she might be with us, still. All I know is that when my doc looked at the list of meds I showed him (hoping to get feedback) he was horrified and while he couldn’t consult for her, he told me which meds had contraindications that could result in deeper depression, psychosis, stroke, heart attack and suicidal ideation.

    She went to doctor after doctor seeking relief and they just piled on the meds, one after another. They ramped up doses, added new meds, and each time they did that, she’d wind up checked into a psychiatric facility for weeks. She was released from one just two weeks ago – as being “fine.” She hasn’t been “fine” in more than 8 years. Is it any wonder she chose to leave us? Not one doctor suggested anything but more medication. Bipolar disorder can be managed well, if the right care is given. When you have to rely on Medicaid to manage your care, you’d best start writing your will.

    5 years ago she was holding a job and living on her own. Then she went to see a new doctor because her old doctor stopped taking her old insurance. New doc put her on more meds, even though she was doing fairly well, for her. Within two weeks, she was back in a psychiatric institute, had to move back home, and couldn’t cope with her job. So the new doc added even MORE meds and upped the dose on the one that sent her to inpatient care.

    I’m at a loss as to why no one thought to look toward the meds as maybe being part of the problem instead of the solution. From that point, she was on medicaid, and had to doc-hop as doctor after doctor stopped taking medicaid patients. Each new doctor just wrote more scripts. She trusted them to know what was best for her – but she wasn’t anywhere near to being in her right mind. She was so medicated she could barely form words, but no one saw that as an issue except me. And in my family, if you’re not a doctor when it comes to health issues, you may as well go talk to the grass.

    Thanks again for your condolences. At least she isn’t in emotional agony any longer.

  3. I grieve for your loss, my friend 😦
    And I grieve for J, that she could not tolerate another minute in this space-time, in the vehicle and circumstances she chose for this ride.
    I grieve for J in that she trusted the Doctors of Death, and allowed them to twist her mind and her spirit with their poisons.
    And I fervently wish that the sociopaths who create “mood disorder” medications and the sheep-puppets that hand them out like candy to the naive and vulnerable get all the misfortune and terrible Karma they deserve.
    With love }} BSK

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