…and I apologize. I can’t promise I’ll be here too often, but I’ll try. I found temporary work, which might turn into permanent, so let’s all pray it does! I actually like the company where I’m placed, too. Amazing.
Yesterday, I had to leave at 3 pm with what I can only describe as a migraine. I’ve had bad headaches, and the last one was 2 years ago, but this beat everything. Could hardly see, the smallest noise felt like knives stabbing my skull and light was intolerable. So I went home. A few hours of lying in the dark with complete silence helped, but when I stood up I lost my cookies. Good thing the bathroom is only a few steps away from my bed.
I’m home today – woke up with the headache back, but not quite as bad. Still feel nauseated. So I called out. Where is this going and why is it on a dating a personality disorder website, you ask? Hmmm. Well, I’ve met a man. Or shall I say he met me. We’ve been seeing each other for 6 weeks and while almost everything is right, there is one biggie that’s wrong. First the right: He’s always there for me. Totally. If I need anything, he’s there. He’s with me 5 days out of 7, but he gets sent home at night. He takes excellent care of me; he takes care of me as a husband would (should) – not conspicuously; not with grand flair; not with a “look at me” attitude. He sees a need and he just seems to fill it without show.
So you’re asking what’s wrong…
Well, while he’s been separated for almost 18 months, he has yet to file for divorce. Okay, I know that with some men, unless they have what they consider a really GREAT reason for filing for divorce, they’re just gonna wait it out. He wasn’t looking for a partner and neither was I. We just sort of saw each other and a loud click happened.
So we talked about it. He’s very open to talking – about anything. He listens. He also tries to “fix” but that’s a male tendency anyway, so I just chalk it up to that. For now.
His plan is to pay off all joint debt, because his wife doesn’t make a lot of money. The kids are grown, so he will have no child support to pay. He’s saved enough money through investments for his kids’ college educations, even if they want to go to grad school. He wants to make sure his wife is not left in dire straits and will be able to support herself and he wants the courts to agree that she is able to do that. He wants a quiet, no-fault divorce. This will mean giving her the family home, which was his grandparent’s home. She lives there and the kids grew up there, so he feels she should have it. It’s his to do with what he wants, so I stay out of it.
He hasn’t told his kids about us yet and I’m cool with that. It’s only been 5 weeks.
Why’d he leave his wife? That’s a very important question. One that he answered with total humility.
Prior to my asking the question, I’d heard from folks who have known this man for 15 or more years and was told there wasn’t a better man. I was told how horrible his wife was to him, and how none of these folks could understand why he stayed with her for 24 years. I heard nothing good about her from these individuals. From him, though, I heard only that “things just got so bad I finally couldn’t take it any longer. The last 10 years of our marriage seemed to be all about what I did wrong. During counseling, it wasn’t about working things out; it was about how much she could tear me down in an hour, bringing up things that I’d apparently done wrong 20 years ago.”
He didn’t trash her. Didn’t tear her down. He simply said the above, and that one day, he woke up with the realization that he wasn’t a horrible person and that he was worthy of being treated well. So he moved out. My big question was: “will you ever go back to her?”
Without hesitation, he said: “no.”
Now, here’s a man who married young, and prior to me, had only been seriously involved with one woman -and he married her. He knows no other way to act than like a husband and that’s how he acts when he and I are together. I find I don’t mind it at all. I rather like it. I just wish he’d hurry up and file for divorce. What bothers me is that I’m saying that after only 6 weeks of being with this man. Some would say: “when it’s right, it’s right and you just know it.” Others would say: “whoa! slow down!” I’m saying both and neither.
It totally feels right. He’s got no narcissistic tendencies that I can ferret out; he appears to have no ulterior motives and so far, he’s just “there” for me. He encourages my creativity, doesn’t attempt to isolate me, helps around the house, helps with gas money and food, and I feel totally loved, wanted and appreciated by him.
I’ve been warned about rebound syndrome. Thing is, this guy wouldn’t know rebound. All he does is commitment. He had ample opportunity to date after he left, but he took the time to get himself together. He doesn’t want to “date.” He figured that if he was supposed to be with another woman, that woman would turn up, so he didn’t look. He doesn’t force things to happen. And then, one day, we found ourselves sitting next to each other and started talking. Things went from there.
I don’t know if I’m rebound for him. I don’t think so, but maybe that’s just because I don’t want to be his rebound. I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound. I want a nice steady partnership and I believe this man and I can have that. Again – is that simply because I want to believe it? I don’t know, but at 50, I don’t have a lot of time to sit around waiting. It’s not like I’m 20 and can take my time. I’d like a life-partner and I’ve done the internet dating thing – that doesn’t work. I’ve joined groups and dated – that doesn’t work. I’m thinking that just meeting someone out of the blue like this isn’t coincidence and I’m going to give it a shot.
I’m happy, contented, a little scared, very vulnerable and on top of the world. All at the same time. Yet…I know infatuation and this isn’t it. Hmmm.
Lord, let me do this right!