Five More Days Until…

…I turn 50.

I’m struggling with this, but the struggle is diminishing the closer I get to the actual number.  That’s all it truly is; a number.  I don’t feel 50; I don’t look 50 (although that wouldn’t be an issue, because looking one’s age isn’t a bad thing; it’s just a bad thing in American society).

This has been a difficult year for me, fraught with change and I feel like I’m playing dodge ball with life.  I’m Neo, only what’s being fired at me are massively flaming figurative bags of shit, over and over again.

Let’s see:  18 months ago my company transferred me from SC to where I am now.  Six months ago, they laid me off.  I lived hand-to-mouth for around six months, attempting to turn my artistry into a business.  It’s working, but slowly.  It’s not making me enough money to live on – yet.  Five weeks ago, I accepted a “contract” position, with a contract that was carved in granite.  Two weeks ago, my employer breached that contract (and did some other things I can’t talk about on a public forum for legal reasons), and my rent and car payments bounced because of it.  I hired an attorney.  He’s taking it on contingency.

Four months ago I met a man who turned out to be NPD.  How many different ways can you spell N I G H T M A R E ??

My landlady, who was supposedly a friend, did something morally and legally wrong (which I won’t mention here) and I forgave her and allowed her (cautiously) back into my life.  That was poor judgment on my part.  The best indicator of an individual’s future behavior is their past behavior unless you know they’ve initiated the process of change into their life.

This year, I feel as though life is attempting to spit me out.  I’m not going to let that happen.  I know how to find the positive in every bad situation and when I told my therapist last week that I was feeling like I should be well-settled, have more, BE more, etc., ad nauseum, at this point in my life, he replied:  “Did you ever think maybe you’re right where you’re supposed to be?”

He’s right.  I have a lot to be proud of.  I’ve accomplished much in my 50 years, particularly considering the childhood years.  I’ve come a long way.  I am a successful person, with accomplishments that, while visible only to me and some close friends, are truly amazing accomplishments.

I think this is my year of change.  It’s my year of decision-making for the rest of my life.  I believe that what I do now will set the foundation for however much time I have left in this world.  I need to make the right decisions, but how do I know I’m doing that?  I don’t.  I just have to make decisions and if they turn out to be bad, do what I’ve always done and bootstrap myself out of them.

What I do know is that I’ll survive.  That’s what I do.  Someone said to  me yesterday:  “you’ve had so much shit happen in your life; there’s been nothing really good that ever happened to you.”  That’s not true.  Yes, shit has happened, but it’s happened, except for this year, because of choices I made, and it’s possible that this year happened because of my choices early on.  That said, my early choices were uninformed and made from within the chaotic mind of a PTSD young adult who didn’t understand why she felt and acted “crazy” most of the time.

I’m okay.  50 will be better than 40.  Life usually doesn’t work the way we think it will, and I know that I will always have whatever I need. I may not always have what I want, but I will definitely have what I need.  That makes everything okay.

I’ve chosen to meet 50 with a smile and a great attitude.  Whatever life has in store for me, I’ll meet it head-on and roll with the punches.  I won’t fight it.  My usual MO is to fight, but I’ve found over the past two years that listening to my intuition is a better way to go.  Don’t fight to control that which I can’t control.

I say the serenity prayer a lot, to remind myself.  🙂



4 thoughts on “Five More Days Until…

  1. From my experience, Serenity is the keyword for one’s 50’s – that is, KEEPING your serenity in the face of the noisome trivialities (in the big picture) and irritating fellow humans that assault us day-to-day and attempt to topple our Serenity 🙂
    50 was a mental milestone for me…..
    I’ve achieved something just by making it this far with my compassion and sense of humor intact (most days) 😀

  2. Miss Zala, I wish you could meet Ana. She exemplifies serenity. When we were both struggling single moms, I’d go downstairs to her apartment, walk in, and immediately feel like I never wanted to leave. In the midst of chaos she had peace. Our kids would whirl around us playing monster, roaring at the top of their lungs and if it got too loud, all Ana had to do was look in their direction and smile and they’d immediately quiet down. She swears her serenity is all a facade – that she fakes it ’til she makes it and she hopes to “make it” by the time she shuffles off this mortal coil, but I gotta tell you, whatever it is she’s got, I want.

    She just accepts life. Last week, when I visited her I told her again that I wanted whatever it is that she has that creates such peace. Her reply stunned me. She said she’d always wanted my ability to be direct, not take shit and stand, firmly grounded in my convictions, in the face of those who would have me veer from my path. I’ve always tried to do those things but I’ve never felt quite successful in them.

    The serendipity came when I asked her “what path? The woman who runs in 30 bazillion directions at once has a PATH?” She just smiled that enigmatic smile of hers and she said:

    “Yup. Your path has flowers on one side, thorny bushes on the other, and you always hand flowers to the people you meet on your path. Flowers heal, you know.”

    Chiron karma. It’s about giving to others without expectation of anything in return, because when we give to others, we give to ourselves, thus creating a foundation for healing.

    I’m agreeing more and more with you about our mutual acquaintance’s assessment of Leo. He saw things very clearly, and he manipulated the hell out of information so he could get what he wanted. Ya know what, though? There’s a “ting” every now and then that tells me he’s dealing with his own karma right now. Peace. He doesn’t have it but wants us to believe he does. Ana has it but doesn’t believe she does. We want it, and sometimes have it, but speaking for myself, I rarely recognize it in myself when it flows. I wonder why that is?

  3. Know what? I think it’s (re: “We want it, and sometimes have it, but speaking for myself, I rarely recognize it in myself when it flows. I wonder why that is?”) that we have been so thoroughly programmed since childhood to look outside our Selves for our needs to be met…..

    You were agreeing with me about Mickey’s assessment of Leo – how so?? 🙂 Remember, my talent lies not in astrology ;D

    Doesn’t it indicate a certain lack of integrity when someone manipulates information for their own benefit?? What’s it called when one has an absolute, complete and utter lack of being able to view/judge/interpret one’s own behavior?? Or totally misinterpret it and swear that one isn’t doing so, even when there’s a small unhappy seed of awareness/doubt crushed way down in the dark inside??

  4. Um, gee. What’s it called? Well, I can’t be certain, but all indications point to NPD. Yeah, your talent lies not in astrology like my talent lies not in pissing off narcissistic men. hahahah!

    Some of us have been programmed to look inside ourselves to have our needs met, but many have not. They’ve been programmed to believe that others are there specifically to meet said needs for them. That’s the issue. So many believe that they can backfill the hole in themselves by dumping the responsibility on someone else. People feel empty inside and instead of looking inward to figure out why, they scurry around attempting to find another human being to fill them up, never realizing that all they are doing is putting a band aid on the issue. We all know what happens when band aids get wet or worn out…

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