…I turn 50.
I’m struggling with this, but the struggle is diminishing the closer I get to the actual number. That’s all it truly is; a number. I don’t feel 50; I don’t look 50 (although that wouldn’t be an issue, because looking one’s age isn’t a bad thing; it’s just a bad thing in American society).
This has been a difficult year for me, fraught with change and I feel like I’m playing dodge ball with life. I’m Neo, only what’s being fired at me are massively flaming figurative bags of shit, over and over again.
Let’s see: 18 months ago my company transferred me from SC to where I am now. Six months ago, they laid me off. I lived hand-to-mouth for around six months, attempting to turn my artistry into a business. It’s working, but slowly. It’s not making me enough money to live on – yet. Five weeks ago, I accepted a “contract” position, with a contract that was carved in granite. Two weeks ago, my employer breached that contract (and did some other things I can’t talk about on a public forum for legal reasons), and my rent and car payments bounced because of it. I hired an attorney. He’s taking it on contingency.
Four months ago I met a man who turned out to be NPD. How many different ways can you spell N I G H T M A R E ??
My landlady, who was supposedly a friend, did something morally and legally wrong (which I won’t mention here) and I forgave her and allowed her (cautiously) back into my life. That was poor judgment on my part. The best indicator of an individual’s future behavior is their past behavior unless you know they’ve initiated the process of change into their life.
This year, I feel as though life is attempting to spit me out. I’m not going to let that happen. I know how to find the positive in every bad situation and when I told my therapist last week that I was feeling like I should be well-settled, have more, BE more, etc., ad nauseum, at this point in my life, he replied: “Did you ever think maybe you’re right where you’re supposed to be?”
He’s right. I have a lot to be proud of. I’ve accomplished much in my 50 years, particularly considering the childhood years. I’ve come a long way. I am a successful person, with accomplishments that, while visible only to me and some close friends, are truly amazing accomplishments.
I think this is my year of change. It’s my year of decision-making for the rest of my life. I believe that what I do now will set the foundation for however much time I have left in this world. I need to make the right decisions, but how do I know I’m doing that? I don’t. I just have to make decisions and if they turn out to be bad, do what I’ve always done and bootstrap myself out of them.
What I do know is that I’ll survive. That’s what I do. Someone said to me yesterday: “you’ve had so much shit happen in your life; there’s been nothing really good that ever happened to you.” That’s not true. Yes, shit has happened, but it’s happened, except for this year, because of choices I made, and it’s possible that this year happened because of my choices early on. That said, my early choices were uninformed and made from within the chaotic mind of a PTSD young adult who didn’t understand why she felt and acted “crazy” most of the time.
I’m okay. 50 will be better than 40. Life usually doesn’t work the way we think it will, and I know that I will always have whatever I need. I may not always have what I want, but I will definitely have what I need. That makes everything okay.
I’ve chosen to meet 50 with a smile and a great attitude. Whatever life has in store for me, I’ll meet it head-on and roll with the punches. I won’t fight it. My usual MO is to fight, but I’ve found over the past two years that listening to my intuition is a better way to go. Don’t fight to control that which I can’t control.
I say the serenity prayer a lot, to remind myself. 🙂