Deconstruction of a Dating Profile

For those of you who are trying to find love online, here’s an example of a dating profile you should avoid.  I dated this person, and since his profile is public content, there is nothing illegal about re-posting it here.  I will not post his dating-site handle (but I wish I could so women in my area who read this can avoid him) or his name.  I will deconstruct his profile for you.  My commentary is in red.

Most tell me I am warm, giving, knowing, and patient. 

Most of what? Most of whom? If “most” apples in a barrel are good does that mean that ALL apples in a barrel are good? Do you not know whether you are those things? No, you don’t because your entire image of yourself is a construct built upon what others tell you.

Others tell me I have a good sense of humor and am fun to be around.

Here we go again with what YOU say OTHERS say.  You don’t want to actually say that you have these qualities because deep down, you know you don’t really have them, you only present them when you are in the presence of others from whom you can benefit. Presenting these qualities is not the same thing as actually having them.

Many things interest me and I am entertained easily. I love kayaking, skiing, hiking, skating and most of the usual sports but I tend to gravitate toward the arts.

Note that this person places the emphasis on the more “extreme” sports, the ones that require more skill for the average person to engage in them.  There is only a nod toward the “more usual sports” because this person feels the “more usual” is beneath them.

I am emotionally healthy as I am filled with positive feelings and energy most of the time.

Um, okay.  How does that define emotional health?  Notice this person doesn’t say “others” speak to the individual’s emotional health.  This is something this person is CERTAIN of, and even goes so far as to define it for us.

I enjoy talking and listening and sharing emotions.

Be very wary of this kind of phrase in an online profile.  It sounds innocent and it may well be innocent as well as truthful, but I happen to know this person.  I dated him. He does enjoy talking – about himself.  He listens for perceived criticisms and the emotions he shares are thinly disguised rage.  He feeds off YOUR emotions and stores them up to use as ammunition against you. 

I’ve been told I’m old fashioned and I’ve been told I’m eclectic, urban and modern. 

Again, he doesn’t know himself – he tells us what others have told him.  He has no clue what he truly is. 

I think I’m a bit of mix since I strive for balance in most areas.

He doesn’t know what he thinks, since he’s already stated that his opinion of himself is garnered from the opinions of others.  How many people strive for balance in just “most” areas?  This is an individual who doesn’t know anything about balance and probably added the word “most” as a subconscious qualifier.  I doubt he even realizes what he’s said about himself here.

I am honest and loyal and sometimes too trusting.

This is classic NPD in this case.  Again, he  shows us that he hasn’t got a clue.  How can he be honest when he’s already told us that he has no clue what emotional health is and that he only strives for balance in “most” areas?  The part about being loyal and too trusting is a classic set-up from NPD people.  

This is a huge red flag, and it’s already setting his potential victims up to BE victims. He’ll be “loyal” and “trusting” until you evince dissatisfaction with him.  At that point, his entire visage will change, his normal MO will cast off the cloak of charm, warmth and affection and you will be told exactly what a terrible person you are, and any emotions you may have “shared” with him will be brought out and used to decimate you.  You’ll know you are nothing more than a thing to him, that you are disposable and he will attempt to convince you that you have misinterpreted him in all ways.  Any hurt you sustain from your interaction with him is your fault.  To paraphrase another source:  “so sorry that you’re a casualty of my pathology.”

An Optimist-idealist grounded in the practical.

Note he doesn’t state “I am an optimist-idealist grounded in the practical.”  To state that would not allow him to say “I never said I was that way.”  While this may simply be poor grammar on his part, based on the preceding elements of the profile, one could reasonably ask:  “Why is this phrase here?”  

I’ve been known to act like a child and think like an old man, then think like a child and act like an old man.

He’s been “known” to do these things.  Known by whom?  Note that he doesn’t state that HE ACTUALLY DOES THESE THINGS.  He simply invokes the ubiquitous and invisible “others” by use of the word  ‘known’.  

You? You’re easy to talk to and like to talk and laugh. You’re generally happy with yourself In body and spirit. You enjoy the outdoors and appreciate the fruits of the country but also like urban activities and the suburban typical.

First, he’s telling you what you will be if you are going to interact with him.  He’s not stating qualities he appreciates in another, he’s stating WHAT YOU ARE and if you prove not to be these things, you’ll be sorry.  He’s also pompous as hell – “appreciate the fruits of the country?”  What the hell is THAT?  You like to go apple-picking?  His entire profile is written from the perspective of condescending pomposity. What does “generally happy with yourself in body and spirit” mean?  Does this mean he’ll be okay if you’re sometimes not happy that way?  No, in this profile it means you WILL be happy with these things because he has decreed it.

Your open-minded, funny, and can enjoy laughing at yourself. 

He says nothing about compassion, independence, warmth, empathy, loving, giving, etc.  You are to be open-minded, funny and you have to enjoy laughing at yourself.  That is ALL you will be. Note he doesn’t state that you can enjoy laughing at him!

You are understanding and respectful and appreciate those qualities in me.

This time he tells you what you are.  You are understanding and respectful – and you WILL appreciate those qualities in him.  What he left off here is this:  “…as I interpret those qualities.”

This is what he’s currently doing with his life:

Generally: Surfing the curl of the daily experience and picking the next big wave. (Ahh…Escapism through metaphor) Family and Friends are most important. Life is care and devotion to myself and those around me.

Okay, this statement is fraught with issues.  First, he displays how  “intelligent” he is by using metaphor.  He also uses metaphor to escape from having to state what it is he is usually doing, which is trolling dating sites for his next mirror.  That would be “the next big wave.”  

He uses grandiose surfing metaphor to describe what he’s doing with his life, which is precisely NOTHING.  He states that Family and Friends are most important.   I know for fact that he doesn’t get along with his siblings.  His sister moved to Guatemala not too long ago to continue her education through experience, and when I was told about this I got very excited.  I wanted to know how she was, what her experiences were, etc.  

His reply was:  “I don’t know.  She left three months ago.  I haven’t had time to email or call her to find out how she is and what she’s doing.”  

I was stunned.  Had that been MY sister, I’d be emailing her daily, I’d be checking her Facebook to see new photos, I’d send her snail mail so she’d have things from home, cards and little things made and sent with love.  I’d be in constant contact with her.  

He stated his other siblings are “slobs” and had nothing positive to say about them.  Yet Family is most important to him. 

He spoke of his mother in glowing terms.  His mother died in 2007, and she was an excellent surrealist.  When I look at her artwork, I see the emptiness in her.  There is one painting that is scarily desolate.  

It is a depiction of  four humans in the form of trees, and the center “tree” is  obviously an older female who is oblivious to the trees around her.  The other three trees (her children)  surround her and their branches reach toward her.  She stands alone, with clearly defined space around her, space through which her children will never be able to travel.  She is powerful, she has no need of these other trees and in the painting, she is the tree given the most detail.  This painting gave me serious insight to this man’s relationship with his mother.

This man has also told me that he only has one dream.  It’s a dream where he is around 6, standing in the living room, watching his father chop the decorated christmas tree down with an ax.  His father left the family unit when he was 7.  He states that from that point forward, he never had a relationship with his dad because of what his father “did” to his mother.  My guess is that the N’s mother made certain the children drank the kool-aid with regard to their father. 

Notice in his last sentence above that he states that life is care of himself BEFORE it is care for others.  In my experience, care for oneself comes naturally when one gives of oneself to others.  If I actively nurture my friends and family, as well as the family of mankind, I am, by definition, providing care for myself.  I’m not placing myself ahead of others, I am working in TANDEM with others. 

These are his favorite books, movies and shows:

Most of my reading is done on the web.

Yup, most of it IS done on the web.  On dating sites.  He is a remarkably uninformed individual but if you read his pretentious list below, you’ll likely wind up with the notion that he’s remarkably WELL informed and well-read. 

I used to enjoy really long hair stuff like Proust and really silly stuff like Kurt Vonnegut.

I’ve heard Kurt Vonnegut described as many things, but never as “silly.”  Vonnegut is known for populating his novels with characters who are searching for meaning and order in an inherently meaningless and disorderly universe.  He’s known for his irreverent humor, satire of contemporary society and his focus on the futility of warfare and the human capacity for both irrationality and evil.  And this person finds Kurt Vonnegut SILLY

Pedestrian stuff like Michener and scary stuff like King.

Michener is pedestrian?  No.  Danielle Steel is pedestrian.  John Grisham is pedestrian.  Michener?  He wrote from wartime experience; he wrote from his experience as a world-traveler who immersed himself in various cultures.  He wrote compelling epic portraits of those cultures.  Nothing he wrote is pedestrian, yet he is casually lumped in with Stephen King, who, while being a great teller of scary stories, is rather pedestrian. 

Poetry by Stephen Dunn and tanka (Japanese Poetry Method).

Ahh.  Now we are getting to the meat of it.  Stephen Dunn.  Read Poem for People That Are Understandably Too Busy To Read Poetry .  G’wan.  I dare ya.  It’ll open in a new tab, so you can come back here without having to click “back.”  Read this gem and you will know exactly what an N is.  Until today, I hadn’t investigated Stephen Dunn.  Wow.  If I had researched him before I dated this man, I might not have dated him – or, being into poetry myself, would have thought him quite deep for being able to understand Dunn.  Holy shit on a brick.  Read Biography In The First Person .  Wow.  

Next he states he likes Tanka.  He doesn’t state he likes Haiku, which is characterized by the 5-7-5 syllable rhythm.  Oh no.  He’s special, he prefers Tanka, which most people won’t know anything about, and is characterized by the 5-7-5-7-7 syllable rhythm.  Yet, when I replied to one of his initial emails to me in Tanka he didn’t recognize it.  When I pointed it out to him, he said it wasn’t recognizable to him as Tanka.  Excuse me?  Anyone familiar with Tanka would have recognized it immediately.  Devaluation from the very beginning.

I have a wide range in taste in Movies but would watch an Oliver Stone effort over Ron Howard, Cohen brothers over Cronenburg, Burton over Zemeckis…

How many people take the time to tell the world what movie directors they prefer?  This is simply an effort to prove to potential supply that he’s arts-literate.  It’s grandiose, pompous, condescending and indirectly states:  “If you don’t like Oliver Stone over Ron Howard…(ad nauseum) you need to get with the plan.”  And the funny part about this?  He doesn’t watch films like these with ANY regularity.  He’s got a teenage son who monopolizes the television and they watch teenage-appropriate films.  When I suggested seeing an art film at the local art theater, he turned it down without explanation.  He simply said “no.”  

Shows favorites go more abstract: Salome over Cameron, Carmina Burana over Coppelia, Aspects of Love over Gigi, Circ Du Soleil over Ringling Brothers…

I really wish I’d read his profile more carefully.  He’s confusing opera with cult films, male choral performances with ballet, and it doesn’t surprise me in the least that he prefers Aspects of Love over Gigi.  In Aspects of Love, as Alex, the male lead, traipses through life nonchalantly breaking female hearts and at the end, leaves not one, but two women, in favor of a third, who wonders aloud what the future will bring, to which Alex replies “love changes everything.”  It’s not Alex’s love that changes everything.  Alex has no love.  In Gigi, Gaston marries her, because he understands what Gigi has been saying all along – that the world will perceive her as his mistress and Gaston has a conscience.  He doesn’t want to harm Gigi.  It would not surprise me in the least to find this list is merely a regurgitated reflection from comments he’s heard others make.

Music is a bit too large of a topic in my life for this textbox so I will leave it at, there is no genre that I don’t enjoy some part of. Food? Don’t like Brussels Sprouts unless they don’t taste like Brussels Sprouts. Other than that I go from the usual to the exotic in cuisine.

Wait.  He dumped all kinds of pretentious and pompous crap in about other things, but music is “a bit too large of a topic in his life for this textbox?”  If he loved all types of music, why not just state that?  Why not just state that music holds a huge fascination for him and he gravitates toward many types?  Oh no.  He has to mysteriously let us know that it’s “too large of a topic in his life.”   It’s SO large that it won’t fit in a text box that allows unlimited characters.  It’s infinite.  It’s much larger than YOU or I could EVER understand so he’s going to do us the favor of not expounding on it, because: 

At this point his sick of writing a profile that has to impress potential supply well enough to reel them in, and he believes he’s already done that, so he leaves us with a lame comment about not liking brussels sprouts and the generalization that he goes from the usual to the exotic in “cuisine.”  Not “food.”  “cuisine.”

While this is the deconstruction of my N’s online dating profile, perhaps there are elements of it that will help you deconstruct profiles you encounter that just don’t read “right” to you.  If your intuition is telling you that the person who has contacted you isn’t going to be a good thing for you, heed that intuition.  I did not heed it.  I allowed him to charm away my fears.  I allowed him to talk me into dating him.  Most men, when in receipt of an email that says “thank you, but I’m not interested in dating right now” will simply move on.  Not an N.  That presents a challenge for him and his perceived image of himself dictates that he MUST “conquer” this refusal NOW.  So that’s what my N set about doing, in a sympathetic and charming manner – so much so that I capitulated.  

Never again.  Matter of fact, I learned so well from this that just prior to removing all my dating profiles, I received an email from a guy whose approach was similar to the N’s.  I was on instant alert.  I refused him.  He persisted.  I refused.  He persisted.  I refused.  He sent his phone number, telling me he can’t wait until we talk.  I tell him we aren’t going to talk.  He replies that he’s made reservations for us at a fancy restaurant.  I blocked his ass and took down my last dating profile.  

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Deconstruction of a Dating Profile

  1. Pingback: Effective Dating Profile Tips: Find Your Summer Romance | Clipicus

  2. Dating a personality Disorder: Hmmmm are there other kinds on the online dating sites? haven’t found any yet. Seems to be the norm…brag, brag, lie, lie, bs, bs. Honesty? doesn’t exist. Two recent ones….one from Match.com, the other from POF…doesn’t seem to matter either whether it is a free site or a paid one… Mrsadmin …first thought that he was a MRS. and confused….but soon found out that it was just part of his on and off line lies about his profession. Turns out that instead of being a system administrator for a car dealership, he’s really a used car salesman who takes photos of the cars, posts them on the web, and answers the phone there too!! Came to my town to “date”…not his town, and never his. After a couple weeks of talking, was curious about where and how he lives. So we did a “drive by” of “HIS” house….which was on the property directly behind the car dealership. Claims it was hit by the recent tornadoes, so was a mess and not a good time to go inside till it gets fixed. Which…went on forever. After a few weeks, my gut was telling me something was just not right….LISTEN TO YOUR GUT..It’s always right ladies!! So I started doing searches online on the tax assessor web site for his ownership of ANY property in the county he claimed he lived in…none found. Checked the city/county he graduated from HS in also..as he stated how many properties his 95 yr old father owned, that would one day soon be his, after all, his last name was the name of a real real estate office in the city he grew up in, although, his Uncle Jack was “managing” it all for them. No real estate ownership came up for either his father or himself in his hometown either. Did find that Uncle Jack is the actual owner of the real estate office there. Hmmmm….no current address at all came up for the city he claims he currently lives in, at the house we drove by. BTW…wasn’t even a nice house!! Last known address was in a city close to his “home” and was from 4 yrs. back…none current. Did come up showing that his father is actually listed as being 93, not 95. Why lie?? But he did. Also claimed to own many expensive guitars, have connections with many famous muscians, have played with them all, big connection to a not so well known but expensive guitar maker. Only saw one of the guitars. Claimed to be a photographer…but the equipment he owned and used was unimpressive, amatuer grade. Found out he had lots of pictures of “things” he claimed to own, including a huge professionsal camera and lens. Hmmmmm…..we went and did lots of nature photography together, yet never saw that camera…and he photoshopped every photo he took, didn’t know how to use white balance etc.!! Lots of signals…..I was listening and trying to catch him in the lies. But even I couldn’t believe it was possible for anyone to tell that many lies…or figure out for what reason they would. The big one came thru when we planned a weeklong trip to FL; I had friends to stay with the second half, he was booking the hotel for the first couple days. Nothing too expensive….I did all the shopping for it. Ready to leave…all packed up, but the night before, his elderly father suddenly takes a fall, requiring him to go to the hospital. Believable, as I had been thru similar situations with my Mother in recent years. Oh….and the stories about his father, his money, his cars, his real estate, the fantastic Assisted Living Facillity he could go into with all of his money in all the banks! But he didn’t know lilttle things about the money that I knew from having dealt with my mother’s funds. HMMMMMM again…. Then the “I can’t go on the vacation”……ok, so I told him would go on down myself in my truck….have my friends to stay with anyway, and wasn’t going to not go on vacation as I had been waiting on the time to go from my business, and wouldn’t have another chance for 9 months. He said he’d fly down mid week, even gave me flight times etc. So I planned my mid week around picking him up from the airport. He never made any reservations….called and it was “his Dad again” stuff. Couple days later he texts me that he’s out in his yard at home playing his guitar loud and late at night…HMMM??? What??? What about DAD…150 miles away??? Next day he’s out in the yard taking 600 photos of his flowers…?? then asking ME to find somewhere to print his photos, and the prices!! HUH?? You are an IT guy…system admin. and a photographer, but YOU don’t even have color photo printer????Or know where to send your prints online?? Beyond suspicious at this point and totally over it!! I let him know how angry I was at him causing me to postpone a vacation that I could have gone on by myself weeks ago, and that I could have stayed with my friends and family for several weeks, instead of having to hurry back after a week, do all the driving, spend all my cash on gas, had I known he was never going to go. RUDE, inconsiderate, liar. He still had one of my computers, which he claimed he was fixing for me. Never got it back…saw on FB that he was “donating” a computer to one of his less fortunate former HS classmates. Pretty sure it was mine. The two computers he supposedly fixed at my house, are no better off than before he touched them, and the one doesn’t have the internet connection he supposedly made to it. The other broken parts besides his mentality and his wallet and lack of anything…did I mention that he drove a 1997 car, which he claimed his Dad gave him to drive cause he wasn’t using it and had too many other cars……the other broken thing was his ability to have sex! Discovered early on, and he claimed he went to his Dr. about. Was referred to a specialist for Viagra. Hmmmm, most guys seem to be able to get it without seeing a specialist unless there is a problem…he was afraid of the “test” he would have to take to get the viagra. TEST?? Oh yeah, they make you get an erection (one you can’t get or wouldn’t need the viagra for???) then they put a little blood pressure cuff on it to measure!!! OMG are you kidding…if that was the case of how to get viagra…??? So then he claimed he got Cialis, but it takes a few weeks to work. I’m not an expert by any means in this area, guess I should become one…but even after several weeks, it wasn’t working. So then tells me it’s obviously a mental problem he has!!! From the former girlfriend who was secretly a dominatrix, and she wouldn’t have sex with him while they were engaged, until after they were married. (this is a 63 yr old man!!!) He broke off the engagement to her when he found out she missed taking ONE of her bipolar medications! oh and that she used to have money and had a big house that she was behind on all the payments, which he had to help her out with. I’m telling you, he had some pretty bizzare lies, very creative imagination. During all this time which was over a period of 2 1/2 months, he was looking for a new job (but claiming he was retiring at the end of this year, and supposedly had the retirement monies to do it with). The jobs he was looking at were much closer to MY home. And HIS home was up for sale. He would look at the real estate magazines and talk about which ones he’d be interested in buying to live in over near me. He let it slip at one point that he had no credit, formerly was bankrupted, and lived for a while in a travel trailer. I always wondered how you go in just a couple years from that to owning a home that was totally paid for…since he said he had no house payment!! Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmm. During the dating time, he stayed at my house 4 nights a week, no real sex, just sleeping. In fact that was another problem….soon as we sat down on my couch to watch a movie, he fell asleep. How did this go on like this for so long you ask? Well, he was actually a nice person to be around, we did a lot of talking, we both were into photography and I wasn’t in a giant hurry to move to fast. So some things I’d just let slide as it wasn’t a real concern and I wasn’t falling in love. My gut was protecting me heart for me thank goodness!! We went out a couple times a week to places I normally go, never had a couple of real meals, just appetizers. He never ordered drinks, but I did. He paid. Never a big bill, usually about $30-40. One time we went to a nicer restaurant and had an actual dinner. He acted shocked at the bill. He didn’t drink out , but he did drink at my house…my wine, my rum, my tequila. Beer someone left in my other refrigerator. Never bought any to bring over to replace it. Only brought wine when I told him I was out, then he’d drink it!! Other signs….when a person tells you they can’t put you on their FB till they “clean up theirs first”….hmmmmmm…hiding stuff obviously. He missed a few things I found lol… Including one of his former classmates who friended me….then started contacting me, telling me the truth about all of it…..his Dad, his family, the real estate they don’t own, the HS games he and some of his friends are still playing, the bands he wasn’t in, the party he had around the time I was in FL…..it’s become really funny at this point. No real harm was done. Just a time waster. I kept him on FB just so I can see what he’s saying to see “what next” and maybe if saw he was connecting to another woman, to warn them. I’d have wanted that from someone. I already had the prickly feelings that something was wrong….and like I said, my gut was right. I will do background investigations and research on anyone I ever go out with and see more than a one or two time thing. I’m fed up with being lied to. I don’t know what the reason was for it. It would have been discovered eventually….did he think it wouldn’t? It made me open my eyes even more to this online dating crap. No sex, no relationship, no companionship, no honesty, no money, no travel, no home, no motorcycle, no nice car or truck, no family…….WOW I am having some fun on here doing all those things you lied about saying we’d enjoy together!! Thanks, Match.com !!! Guess I’ll start a new one for the worst of the worst from Plenty of Fish!!!

    • Sharon, I loved reading your experience! I’m sorry it took so long to reply. I really don’t think there is much out there that’s good on dating sites. I was out there, and I have to say, I wasn’t good. I thought I was, but if I’m going to say there’s nothing but personality disorders out there, I have to include myself because i was there, too. LOL.

      I dumped all dating sites. I experienced a lot of what you did and the “I’m not ready for a relationship” was classic. I realized it was the line men used when they wanted to multi-task with several different women. Sorry, but if you’re coming to my home, spending significant amounts of time there, and particularly if we have progressed to a physical stage, I better not see your profile still up, much less see your ass out there trolling when I go to kill my profile.

      So I took a two-plus year hiatus from dating, spent time learning about myself, enjoying my alone time, learning to like being by myself and learning that it’s okay to be without a partner. I wasn’t looking when I found the man I’m currently seeing. He wasn’t looking, either. It just happened. 🙂

      I’ve found that most dating profiles are crap. The point of a profile is to get others interested, so it’s natural that people are going to make themselves as interesting as possible. I find the “extreme profiles” the funniest. Those guys who have multiple children, a full-time job, are home-owners and gee, still have time to kayak, ski, hang-glide, swim the English channel, get their pilot’s license, hike Mt. Everest and still bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. The one I deconstructed, above, was one such profile and I, idiot that I was, (lol) fell for it, hook, line and sinker. He, too, was one who was better looking in person than online. He was also too good to be true.

      What I realized is that if the man I’m seeing now had put up a profile on a dating site, I’d have clicked right past it. I find him to be a beautiful human being, but he’s not photogenic and while he’s well-educated, he’s extremely humble. Profile-writing, for him, would seem like an exercise in self-aggrandizement so he wouldn’t do it well. His profile would come off as awkward and maybe even a little backward. Yet – he trips my trigger daily.

      If you’d like it, I can give one piece of advice and give it well: Stay away from dating sites, stop looking and someone will just show up. 🙂

  3. Ok, now for the latest and worst of the worst Personality Disorders met on Plenty of Fish.com .. Starting “talking” via emails and a couple phone calls back and forth over six months ago….he seemed to agressive, too forward talking and it scared me off. Should have stayed that way, should have listened to my gut!! But after all the times back and forth, he called on Mothers Day (nice touch) and wished me a good day, left a message about going to an event with him in a couple weeks. Then left an email on the POF about my not following up, which was what I said in my profile men were guilty of not doing. So busted me there!! I replied and he called a couple days after and suggested we finally meet. What the heck, I’d met everyone else, maybe this was the “one”!! So we met. First time I’ve met anyone that was actually better looking in person than their photos! What a nice surprise!!! Most..if you take the worst profile photo, what shows up is generally 2x worse than the worst photo. He was dressed nice…biker attire…was on the Harley…I like to ride too, clean, well groomed, nice and friendly to others around he’d just met there while waiting. We had a few drinks, sat around talked, had some light dinner, talked some more, and then it was getting late and he was on the bike…as well as rain was coming. So decided to head toward his house. I never never go to anyone’s house on a first meeting. NEVER. In fact I’d never been physically attracted to anyone I’d met before at all!! This was different!!! Exciting…and he was all the good things I thought I was looking for, finally! RIGHT!!!! Got caught in a thunder and lightning storm, so he pulled the bike over and secured it and we drove to his house in my truck. Spent the night…alll was well, he was very hospitable, cooked me breakfast in the morning. Then we left to go to my house..I had to let my dogs out. Showed him my home, which is remote, not easy to find, as is his house…..we live in a very rural mountain area. So I was not worried about him finding his way back here. I rarely give directions to my home to anyone I don’t know or want to know. Got his bike, and we went separate ways. He called during the week to ask about going with him to a biker rally on Saturday…sounded like fun. Going to camp out there overnight, primitive style in a tent, wasn’t really into that part..too old to sleep on the ground…. The ride over was great, he was a good driver, made me fell safe on the back. Found his friends who had an RV there and hung out with them. Had a great time listening to music/bands, and he bought me food we shared. Made up the tent. All was good. Did find out when we got there, that it was a ways back off a main road and no cell signal there, but wasn’t feeling that it was a problem. Let me say at this point, that on Friday, I was feeling like I didn’t really care to go, and was hoping maybe something had come up, or his other friends that might come and go with him decided to show up, so I could get out of it. Something in my “gut” again telling me something not good! Did I listen? NO, will I next time? YES!! I kept a souvenier from the event to remind myself to say NO when I feel that way again. So Sunday morning comes…we sat and talked, went and took showers….during some of the talks he starts saying he’s not ready to be in a relationship again yet (not what his profile says!!!) and just kind of pulling away from me. I wasn’t worried…after all, I wasn’t asking for him to marry me, give me a ring, make a comittment, or anything other than saying something about something going on the next weekend or some future event. Not asking him to go or take me…. just talking about stuff going on in the future. The other couple had been very nice nad the girl and I bonded and while it was just me and her she told me I was way too good for him and that I could do so much better. I agreed probably so. But wasn’t worried about the future of him and I anyway. It was fun, if it didn’t work, oh well. We started packing up to go back yhome, and the conversation had to do with a sunburn on his nose…he was picking at the skin and asking me if he was peeling (he was VERY into himself, his hair, his clothes, his body…) and told him best to leave it alone, the new skin would burn worse. Then burns became our topic somehow……which somehow leads into him going off on the other girl….starts in on her about how love isn’t real, doesn’t exist, why did any of us think it did, did any of us believe we’d ever had love and what happened to it…he started attacking us all verbally,became very abusive, mean, hateful. At this point I became scared and upset…I had to ride back home with the Whacko who just came out and on the back of a motorcycle for over two hours…and I am at a place my cell doesn’t work, with a bunch of strangers, and not within any walking distance of any other form of transportation. I’m scared, very scared. I’d been married to a man who was bipolar….I’d come home from work and find that hateful person in my home, when I left that morning…the normal one was there. So I knew what I was seeing and what being abused mentally, verbally, emotionally and physcially is like. Never wanted to go there again. I just was shocked….how fast he turned, how unprovoked, how mean and nasty this person who had been so sweet and nice and caring for the last day and weekend before was and now was scaring me to tears. I cried. He didn’t notice, and when he did, he didn’t care, in fact he’d turned on me by then also. And seeing that I was upset to the point of tears just angered him more apparently. I told him I’d call my daughter to come get me…..he told me to get my shit off his bike. So I did, then sat down and wondered how I was even going to call her with no phone. He packed up and was going to leave me there like that. No problem. During the time he was ranting he also said something about my house….

  4. Continued…. to the affect that if the house I took him to to let my dogs out “even was MY house” as if I had taken him someplace to show off a house that wasn’t mine to deceive him?? He got on the bike to start it and then asked me meanly if I wanted a ride back, it was his final offer!! I didn’t know what else to do to get home, so I said ” Yes, I would like you to please take me back to my truck” He said something about my sending barbs at him the whole ride back and how much fun that was gonna be….I assured him I wouldn’t say A WORD…and other than letting him know some route changes he didn’t know about, I didn’t. We hit rain on the way back, and he never pulled over to let me put on my jacket. I had a sleeveless shirt on and he had at least worn a T shirt. But I didn’t say one word. We finally made it back and he helped get my shit off his bike, and I had thought that maybe during that long ride back he’d have cooled down and thought about how he acted and apologize at least. It wouldn’t have made it “all better” and I wouldn’t have gone out with him again, but I thought that a man of 64 should have gotten old enough and learned something in life, but I guess I thought wrong. He simply said “good luck” to me and that was it. Not a nice good luck…a emotionless heartless good luck. I thanked him for the ride back. Got in my truck and was never so happy to be back into cell phone service and headed home in my life. I learned a hard lesson that almost cost me more than I was ready to pay. You can do background investigations, but there isn’t anything to check out the mental health of a person. Only time with someone can do that, or people who know the person can tell you that information. I remained in contact with the other couple…..they called to check on me that day, and we’ve talked since. They tell me they knew he had mental problems, and problems with women. But I didn’t know them before that weekend, so they couldn’t have told me in advance. I know now.
    And I know that if there’s one like him out there , there are quite a few more too. They prey on people, innocent people. Their motives are just for themselves, they are evil. And they have abused before, and will abuse again. God help us all online. It’s dangerous. I have decided NOT to do anymore meetings. It has been a time, money, heart, energy, and emotion waster. There might be a few “real” people on the online dating sites, but the evil and mentally incapacitated have ruined it.
    And hey, this is just TWO of the bad dates…..I’ve got so many more I can tell about…..Be safe, I know I’m going to work on just that.

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