Trolling Redux

I lifted the text below from planetjan’s  blog.  It is part of her post entitled Narcissistic Game Playing.  It has eerie significance for me because the last sentence echoes something my N said to me.  Read the lifted text and you’ll see some bolded text at the bottom.  I’ll clue you in below that text.

When it comes to relationships, narcissists have two birds to kill. First, because they think very highly of themselves, they use relationships to self enhance not caring whether this involves exploiting others. Think of it as feeding the beast. Although the narcissist desires perfection in a partner, in reality their partners (mere humans) are doomed to come up short. This game is not a cooperative game, but one in which the winner takes all.

But here’s the rub. Relationships are good in that they can provide positive attention and sex, BUT they are bad in that they demand emotional intimacy and prevent the narcissist from receiving attention and sex from other partners. If only they could have it both ways… (The feelings of the other person do not factor into the N’s thinking.)

So the narcissist turns on the charm, using all the extraversion and confidence he can muster to reel in a new partner. But “they would be careful to keep this relationship from becoming too intimate or emotionally close lest they lose control. Finally, narcissists would covertly seek out other potential romantic partners.” So it should come as surprise that the narcissist lacks a sense of real commitment to a relationship and is always on the lookout for an alternative, frequently flirting with others.

In this way, the narcissist maintains power in the relationship and a certain amount of freedom. If things go sour in the relationship, he’s already got his eye on his next target.

“Narcissists’ self-regulatory blueprint involves bringing people in and extracting esteem from them. If that entails being, in turn, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it.”

When I was in the devaluation phase with my N, he sent me the email I’ve pasted below.  First, understand that I’d already broken it off with him.  In a prior email he’d told me if I had something “important” to discuss, to call him, and not tell him in email.  So I called him and left a message letting him know I had something important to talk about.  He didn’t return the call.  So I sent him an email breaking things off with him.  The next day he sends me an email about a photo of me telling me how much he likes it.  I replied with:  “did you get my phone message?”

Below is his reply.  He completely ignores that I sent him an email two days prior telling him that I no longer wanted to be involved with him.   Obviously, nothing regarding me is important enough for a phone call, because he justifies sending what should be an “important” email by stating it’s going to hurt regardless what way he does it.  Devaluation.  I’m not worth a phone call.  At this point, it didn’t matter, except to confirm my growing knowledge that he’s a selfish, manipulative bastard who is incapable of sustaining any sort of intimate relationship.

I tell him I’m breaking it off and that translates to:  “you seem to want more than I can give right now.”

Then he gives me the slam-dunk.  He tells me he may be fooling himself into thinking he can maintain frequent contact with me right now, and in the same set of keystrokes tells me he’s trolling and has intention of spending that time he doesn’t have looking for other women.  The eerie similarity in the bolded text from PlanetJan’s blog text and what is in red and bolded below makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

——– Original Message ——–

Subject: RE: ops
Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2011 12:46:11 +0000
From: The N <the N’s email>
To: ‘Me’ <my email>

I think I’m going to hurt you be it in person or not so this has just got to happen now.

I like talking to you.

I like spending time with you.

But:

From my perspective you seem to want more than I can give right now.

I may be fooling myself into thinking I have enough time to maintain frequent contact with you and I certainly don’t want to give you any illusions.

 I am trying to bring a number of people into my life right now and it has been/will be taking a lot of time.

________________________________

I thought I’d got to the laughing point about this man, but this bit of serendipity made me want to go shower.  It made me shiver in horror at the thought of the monster I’d believed was a wonderful man.  It also confirmed, without any doubt whatsoever, that the man with whom I thought I was involved is a hardcore Narcissist.  There is so much going on in this email that I would emotionally exhaust myself attempting to deconstruct it any more than I have.  It would also cause me to become depressed again, and I’m not going there again.  I’m worth so much more than to allow myself to cycle down into depression again because the man of my nightmares is actually a living, breathing entity who lives 4.5 miles from me.

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7 thoughts on “Trolling Redux

  1. This IS creepy, and I swear I didn’t hack into his computer. 🙂 Thanks for providing a link to my blog planetjan. I’m always gratified when others find my posts helpful – it’s all about helping people understand that those with NPD are not the walking wounded (as in people who can be fixed with love), but zombies to run from. (Make that fast-moving zombies!)

    I often replayed convoluted conversations like the one you outlined above trying to “understand” what my “friend” had meant. I finally read Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirgoyen, a French psychologist. When I got to the chapter about confusing communication, it was like the clouds cleared and I saw the sun for the first time. She even talks about how when someone doesn’t replay to your call, a woman’s first inclination is to put her thoughts into writing – to really explain the situation.

    No, you don’t want to go back into depression mode. If it’s any solace, I have a dear friend and the N in her life lived just down the road. She could see his house from her upstairs window and watch the parade of clueless young women (his supply came from a nearby college) coming and going. She bought some blinds. But she still had to walk by his house on her way to work. She’s now back to her vibrant self AND the icing on the cake is the N lost his job and moved.

    I think I was hardest on myself for not picking up on obvious clues/blatant messages. Many of these were so odd that I wrote them down. When I reread them they’re almost funny in their absurdity. But at the time, I’d never heard about NPD. I wanted to believe the this person could be helped. Now I know better.

  2. Another thing I noticed about that email: I have no clue what the subject line means. “ops.” I never asked him. I at first thought it was a misspelling of “oops” and maybe I’m right. I’m also inclined to think it might be an acronym for “Obviously Pretty Stupid.” I really have no clue. He would do stuff like that, in lower case. There were “mystery” acronyms inserted in emails in lower case, and I was just supposed to be able to mind-read. The one time I asked what one of his lower-case acronyms meant, he replied with: “you’ll figure it out if you think about it.” Translation: “You don’t know what it means? How stupid ARE you?”

    My N has been at his job for almost 10 years, but during the time I was “with” him, he stated that in the time he’d worked there, he’d “never” had to work overtime or had the “stress” he was feeling at work at the time. There was always something “stressful” in his life; always something that was going on that he used to imply that the addition of me to his life was a bad decision on his part. During one phone conversation he actually attempted to imply that my entrance in his life had started the “downhill” trend his life was currently taking. He cloaked it in such charming passive-aggressive language that I didn’t recognize it for what it was until much, much later.

    Everything was my fault. He could have handled everything that was going on in his life if I hadn’t “entered” the picture. The irony (and truly pitiful part) of that statement is that HE BROUGHT ME IN. He contacted me, I turned him down. He insisted; I turned him down. He insisted again, and so charmingly that I capitulated, which is exactly what he wanted.

    I have heard nothing from him for 3 weeks now. I’m glad. I’m starting to settle down; I’m beginning to feel safe again. I do keep an eye on his trolling activities because I can see his profiles without being a member of the dating sites to which he belongs. I check once a week or so, because my experience is that when he hasn’t been “online now!” or “online within 24 hours” or “online today” or “last online(within 24 hours)” it is time for me to get ready for some freakish attack from him. Those attacks come in the form of showing up at my home in the middle of the night and taking something from my front porch, rearranging the porch, or leaving something there. I can’t prove it’s him, so the police would be of no use. Even though I want to call them each time, I know that they would see it as all conjecture and if they paid a visit to him, to talk to him about it, he’d charm the badges and guns off them and use them against me. The stalking would ramp up.

    I believe the more we write about these monsters, the more people we protect from what we have experienced. We can turn our situations to the good by helping others through our experiences.

    I know you’ve helped me, ladybug!!!!

  3. Pingback: What Is A Narcissitic Relationship | Narcissistic Relationship

  4. Goya, if he’s made his way to NY, I pity NY. This man is a nightmare and as with almost all NPD people, those people surrounding him think he’s marvelous. From what I know of his patterns, he tends to date women with low self-esteem, who, once his abuse starts, will continually blame themselves for it. I was an anomaly for him, but I didn’t see it for what it was for 3 months. I think if we’d spent more time in each other’s company, I might have seen it sooner, but he was very good at making certain that didn’t happen. The minute I stood firm for myself was the minute he ramped up his devaluation.

    Narcissists always have to have the last word, but this time, I had it. He knows if he sets foot on my property again, attempts to contact me, whatever, the police will be involved. He can’t allow that to happen – he has a reputation to uphold, custody of his child would be at stake, not to mention his job. He’d have a very hard time explaining his presence on my front porch. He attempted to screw with my head one too many times and there are hidden cameras on my front porch now. Helps to know someone in the surveillance biz. 🙂

    I’m moving anyway. He won’t know where I’m moving, and that’s a true blessing.

    • Hi Miss Crankypance!

      I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself, and that you are moving. I feel like I am also one of the “lucky” ones in that my relationship was relatively short-lived (although a year and a half is STILL too long to be with someone so disturbed) was not married to him and did not have children with him, and I was able to remove myself from the relationship and him intact. I stayed firm and did not engage in any of the tactics my X used to try to get me all tangled up in his webs (many) of craziness again. From the moment I ended the relationship, I was clear that I wanted no contact, and if necessary, i would employ legal means and involve the police. Once he saw that I was serious, and that I would not take any bait from him to get into escalating dramas, he slowly (very slowly) receded into the netherworld.

      It is now a year and 8 months later (me, counting? what?;)…And, I am not only back to my (old – hee hee) vibrant self, I feel like I am an even better me – am so happy to be free! I am even at the point where I can think – “damn, I really cared about that guy, too bad for him that he is so sick.” I am just getting to the point in my healing process where I am indifferent towards him.

      It is strange, my ex also had those patterns with past partners, and I never considered myself someone with low self-esteem. But I do think we are all multifaceted, and as humans, we all carry insecurities. At least I know I do – and the X was able to clue in to them – I guess it is one of those things that people with NPD are able to do almost intuitively. I often wondered how it was possible that his past relationships lasted for so many years, and how he was the one to end them. Who knows if anything that he told me about his past relationships was actually true, but if so, I shudder to think of the damage that he inflicted on those women.

      I remain vigilant, though. I wish you all the best, and a happy Turkey-day!

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