I lifted the text below from planetjan’s blog. It is part of her post entitled Narcissistic Game Playing. It has eerie significance for me because the last sentence echoes something my N said to me. Read the lifted text and you’ll see some bolded text at the bottom. I’ll clue you in below that text.
When it comes to relationships, narcissists have two birds to kill. First, because they think very highly of themselves, they use relationships to self enhance not caring whether this involves exploiting others. Think of it as feeding the beast. Although the narcissist desires perfection in a partner, in reality their partners (mere humans) are doomed to come up short. This game is not a cooperative game, but one in which the winner takes all.
But here’s the rub. Relationships are good in that they can provide positive attention and sex, BUT they are bad in that they demand emotional intimacy and prevent the narcissist from receiving attention and sex from other partners. If only they could have it both ways… (The feelings of the other person do not factor into the N’s thinking.)
So the narcissist turns on the charm, using all the extraversion and confidence he can muster to reel in a new partner. But “they would be careful to keep this relationship from becoming too intimate or emotionally close lest they lose control. Finally, narcissists would covertly seek out other potential romantic partners.” So it should come as surprise that the narcissist lacks a sense of real commitment to a relationship and is always on the lookout for an alternative, frequently flirting with others.
In this way, the narcissist maintains power in the relationship and a certain amount of freedom. If things go sour in the relationship, he’s already got his eye on his next target.
“Narcissists’ self-regulatory blueprint involves bringing people in and extracting esteem from them. If that entails being, in turn, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it.”
When I was in the devaluation phase with my N, he sent me the email I’ve pasted below. First, understand that I’d already broken it off with him. In a prior email he’d told me if I had something “important” to discuss, to call him, and not tell him in email. So I called him and left a message letting him know I had something important to talk about. He didn’t return the call. So I sent him an email breaking things off with him. The next day he sends me an email about a photo of me telling me how much he likes it. I replied with: “did you get my phone message?”
Below is his reply. He completely ignores that I sent him an email two days prior telling him that I no longer wanted to be involved with him. Obviously, nothing regarding me is important enough for a phone call, because he justifies sending what should be an “important” email by stating it’s going to hurt regardless what way he does it. Devaluation. I’m not worth a phone call. At this point, it didn’t matter, except to confirm my growing knowledge that he’s a selfish, manipulative bastard who is incapable of sustaining any sort of intimate relationship.
I tell him I’m breaking it off and that translates to: “you seem to want more than I can give right now.”
Then he gives me the slam-dunk. He tells me he may be fooling himself into thinking he can maintain frequent contact with me right now, and in the same set of keystrokes tells me he’s trolling and has intention of spending that time he doesn’t have looking for other women. The eerie similarity in the bolded text from PlanetJan’s blog text and what is in red and bolded below makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
——– Original Message ——–
|Date:||Fri, 29 Jul 2011 12:46:11 +0000|
|From:||The N <the N’s email>|
|To:||‘Me’ <my email>|
I think I’m going to hurt you be it in person or not so this has just got to happen now.
I like talking to you.
I like spending time with you.
From my perspective you seem to want more than I can give right now.
I may be fooling myself into thinking I have enough time to maintain frequent contact with you and I certainly don’t want to give you any illusions.
I am trying to bring a number of people into my life right now and it has been/will be taking a lot of time.
I thought I’d got to the laughing point about this man, but this bit of serendipity made me want to go shower. It made me shiver in horror at the thought of the monster I’d believed was a wonderful man. It also confirmed, without any doubt whatsoever, that the man with whom I thought I was involved is a hardcore Narcissist. There is so much going on in this email that I would emotionally exhaust myself attempting to deconstruct it any more than I have. It would also cause me to become depressed again, and I’m not going there again. I’m worth so much more than to allow myself to cycle down into depression again because the man of my nightmares is actually a living, breathing entity who lives 4.5 miles from me.