I Heard a Story…

…yesterday while talking to a friend about his three years with a woman who was(is) Borderline Personality Disorder.  I’ve read where this disorder has many crossover traits with NPD, and as he told me his experience, I felt, again, how lucky I was to have ended it with my N only 3 months into it, instead of 3 years.  I can’t imagine spending that much time with that kind of chaos in my life.

As my friend talked and told me about several of his online dating experiences, I became even more convinced that my decision to get clear of online dating is a good decision.  I’ve heard stories from several men about their experiences, and when I hear these stories, I always run them through my filters because I know that I’m only hearing one side of it.

Even filtered, the women these men dated were pure crazy.  It’s the only way to describe them.  So I’m wondering, are the women on dating sites just as bad as the men?  I’m certain not EVERYONE on a dating site has issues, but I have yet to experience anyone who is truly balanced, emotionally healthy and in control of their lives and themselves.

The first year I was on Match (2004-2005) I met 19 alcoholics.  There was one who I met and truly liked a lot.  He lived around 50 miles from me and when he would come to visit, he’d get a hotel room at the local HI Express.  He never drank around me.  He was wonderful to me.  We progressed to where I felt comfortable visiting him at his home.  He invited me to come up on a Saturday morning.  I arrive and his sister opens the door.  Surprise number one.  I had no idea his sister was visiting.

She let me in, introduced herself and said “he’s in the living room – it’s down the hall and to the left. If you need me, I’m in the study.”  That comment confused me a bit – why would I need her?  So I headed into the living room.  Surprise number two.  There he was, sprawled on an air mattress, in his underwear, passed out, with Steel Reserve cans littering the living room floor.

I headed back out of the living room and into the study where she said:  “I could have called you and told you, but I felt it was better for you to see it.  He’s like this all the time.  The Air Force grounded him because of it, his wife took their child and left him because of it and he’s about to lose this house because of it.”

Sis did me a huge favor.

One down, 18 to go.  Even the guys who said they “never” drank were heavy drinkers.  I soon changed my profile to say:  “If you drink at all, do not contact me.”   No one contacted me.  So I took that out.  The last drunk I met on Match hid it just as well until the first time I went to his home.  It was a wreck.  There are wrecks and there are wrecks.  This was the latter category.  Still, he’d cleaned his kitchen and dining room and had prepared a wonderful meal for me, so I stayed for dinner – and watched as he pounded down 15 bottles of Ice House beer.  I did the dishes, and when I turned around, he’d disappeared.  I was getting ready to leave (for good!) walked down the hall to use the bathroom, and found him sitting naked on the toilet, passed out.

I left.

There was the guy who had broken up with his girlfriend the week prior and didn’t tell me until the third date, on the patio at his house, that he was hurting so badly from the break up.  I wound up listening for a polite period (he was drinking the entire time) and then I left.

There was a member of the local symphony who, after one date, called me incessantly to find out where I was, what I was doing, and then, one evening when I wasn’t at home when he called, just ripped into me.  NEXT!

There was one who was charming, absolutely wonderful.  I wound up moving 85 miles to live with him with an eye toward marriage (mutually discussed.)  He waited until I was totally unpacked, dropped the mask and the abuse started.  Two years later, I found my strength and left.   He still tries to be my “friend.”

There was the guy who was amazing until the time he came to my house (5th time we’d been together – hadn’t been physical) and pulled anal beads out of his pocket and started playing with them.

There was the guy who was OMG beautiful to look at.  Stunning.  He was great for three dates and then the ugliness started. Just prior to that I found out that he wasn’t divorced – he wasn’t even legally separated.  He simply lived in the “small” house at the end of the “big house” driveway.  His wife lived in the “big house.”  I Left him downtown one night – he was 95 miles from home.  His car was at my house.  I got home, got his stuff together, put it all on the hood of his car, along with his keys and a note that said:  “do not ever contact me again.”  He still texts me every now and then.  I have subsequently found out that he’s been arrested more than once for drunk and disorderly in public, domestic violence and had several DUIs.

There was the guy who, on our first date at a lovely northern Italian restaurant, poured me a glass of wine, ordered and then looked at me and said:  “you’re gorgeous.  I’d love to see you 20 lbs lighter.”  I looked at him and said:  “you’re gorgeous, too and I’d love to see your IQ 20 points higher” and left.  As I was leaving he yelled after me:  “Stupid cunt bitch!”

I’ve met one man on a dating site who is wonderful.  Truly a good guy.  We’ve been friends for 6 years.  He had his chance 6 years ago, but he was just out of a 20 year marriage and put himself out there too soon.  This past February he told me the stupidest thing he ever did was push me away.  We’re beyond the point of romantic relationship though – that time passed as we morphed into close friends.  He’s been involved for 3 years now with a woman from a dating site who has borderline personality disorder.  She’s got severe health issues and her doctors don’t give her long to live (of course – that was 18 months ago), and this man feels “honor bound” to take care of her.  Co-dependent.  She’s just like his ex-wife.  I couldn’t have anything but a friendship with him because I’ve seen too much of his relationship patterns.  We’ll stay friends.

There was the guy who waited until date two at a fancy restaurant to tell me he “actually” had five children, not two.  The youngest was 10 months old and his wife was pregnant with number six – by him.  Funny, his profile said he was divorced.

So, given this array of specimens to be found on dating sites, add to it my latest – the N – and I’m not dating anyone from a dating site ever again.  I’ll take my chances in the real world and maybe I’ll get lucky.

I’d love it if some of you would post your dating site experiences here.

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