It’s amazing the analogies one can create for the way an N “communicates.”
Today I was thinking about laundry. I thought about loading the machine and the cycles the washing machine goes through. Here are my definitions for the cycles, as they pertain to an individual who is NP.
Load: This is supply. This is what the N is constantly hunting for. It’s the only thing that creates any meaning for his existence. It is why he is still living. He loads up with supply (information) from various mirrors past and present.
Wash: This is what the N does when he runs the information gained from his mirrors through his filters. He washes it because he’s certain there’s dirt in there somewhere. He uses tons of detergent, because he is hyper-vigilant for dirt. He’s looking for dirt, for anything he deems an imperfection; a stain. He has a special filter for the dirt, one that siphons it carefully off into a container for further perusal.
Rinse: This is what an N does with his supply once he’s decided his load might be clean (and clean for him is bad news for us). He runs it through his rinse cycle, over and over until he is satisfied that his load is clean. Time to step back from him, because the next thing he does is:
Spin: This is what the N does when he spits that information back out at his latest source of supply. It comes out confused, jumbled and much worse for the wear and tear from going through the rinse cycle so often. It comes out covered with the dirt he found and carefully stored, and it is unrecognizable to anyone as the information that originally went in.
Ns are always doing laundry, but they rarely put the laundry in the dryer. They leave it all twisted up in the washing machine. That laundry might contain your information, his last victim’s information, his hated boss’s information, his ex-wife’s information, his “bad” child’s information – it can contain anything.
And there you are, right in front of him, so he grabs your arm, leads you to his washer and shows you the tangled mess in his washing machine and YOU are to blame for all of it. Every last bit of it. No matter that the majority of the laundry in there isn’t yours and that what IS yours is now unrecognizable. You are his current mirror, you didn’t give him what he is entitled to have (because he’s special, you know) and YOU now must be punished by being blamed for everything every mirror in his life didn’t reflect back to him in the proscribed manner.
So you decide you’re not going to interact with the N any more since he can’t do laundry for shit.
Here’s a great big what if: This is what scares me about my N:
What if he can’t find someone else to provide him the supply you just removed from him? What if he is on three dating sites and because you’ve been watching since you want some indication as to his state of mind, and you see his activity on those sites escalate to the point of obsession? What if you know he’s not finding supply because you know it took him 5 months to find YOU, after his last source dried up?
What do you do when your intuition tells you he’s desperate for supply and at some point in the near future, that desperation is going to cross your path, despite your efforts to distance yourself from him, and you know he won’t yield right of way to you? What do you do when your intuition tells you your N is about to turn all his internalized rage on you at some point in the near future when it becomes apparent to him that he just can’t get a date, much less a woman who will feed his need for supply for an extended period?
This is where I am right now. He’s already proven to me that my personal space and boundaries are of no consequence to him. He’s already told me that I’m nothing to him. He’s articulated on many occasions (in a courteous and considerate manner, of course) what a stupid, unworthy, and hateful person I am. He’s discarded me, but my gut tells me he’ll be back and it won’t be with flowers and candy. It won’t be in a (falsely) penitent manner.
I know my only recourse if he shows up here again. I’ll have to call the police. That will delight him no end. He’ll wait for them to show up and then he’ll charm the badges and guns off them and use them on me.
Yet…I refuse to allow this to consume me. It will not control me. He is not allowed to dump his tangled mess of laundry on me. How do I stay one step ahead of this monster?