I Did it For Me…

and I know there will be backlash, but since I’ve set my N’s emails to bypass my in-box and go directly to trash and be immediately deleted, unread, I won’t have to read his tripe.

I felt a need for something cathartic this evening, something to help ease the pain I’m still feeling.  I read this (thank you Jan!)  Close Encounter With A Narcissist and it was Part 4 that helped me totally understand that I was doomed to D&D (devaluation and discard) from the moment my N first emailed me.

I broke my rule of no contact.  I sent him a rational (which he’ll hate) email,  that told him that I looked inside him and found him empty.  He won’t get it.  For all I know, he may have my email set to automatically delete, but I doubt it.  He’d see that as taking the risk of giving up some attention.

It’s true.  He’s a black hole.  He sucks in and destroys anything that gets close enough to his gravitational pull.

True or not, and I didn’t waste words, he won’t see it, it’ll piss him off, but I sure feel better.

The email also contained one more warning to never come to my home again.  I’d sent that once before, because after he sent his last salvo to me, which contained the equivalent of “how dare you communicate to me that I have flaws?  You stupid woman, you don’t have sense enough not to do this, so I’m punishing you by making you stand in the corner for three weeks, after which time I might be willing to associate with you again, provided you’ve mended your ways” he “dropped by” two days into his “three week” rule (which obviously only applied to me) and threw a bag on my porch – based on the sound it made when it landed, he had to have thrown it hard.  I couldn’t stand high enough on a chair to drop it and make it thump like that.  It only contained potting materials, which he knew I didn’t need, and there was a breakable clay pot in it, which broke, but that’s not the point.

The point was that he was communicating to me, in the same way a 6 year old would communicate to his mommy that he was enraged with her, that he was enraged with me because I refused to “obey” him.

It was the nail in the coffin, but he won’t ever realize it was the nail in HIS coffin.  He’ll just keep on pounding nails.  It’s his pattern.  If you click the link above, and read what Jan wrote about her Close Encounter with a Narcissist, you’ll read a very apt description of their pattern.  She says they are like robots with one foot nailed to the ground, going around and around in circles, repeating the same pattern and each time, expecting something different to happen.

The compassion in me wants to pity my N, but the rational and intellectual side of me says:  “don’t waste the energy.  He’s not giving a second thought to you.”  He’s not.  He discarded me, officially, on July 15 at 9:57 am when I refused to acquiesce to his demand to know where I’d been the night before and with whom.  I didn’t make a big deal of it, but sent a link to the concert I’d attended.  If he’d been paying any attention at all to ME, he’d have known immediately that I was there to help a friend do merchandising at the venue and had gone alone.  I’d even invited him to come along and he never replied to that invitation.

I didn’t address his jealous and possessive demand and his lack of reply to me linking him to the venue tells me exactly when he discarded me.  The point I should have realized it was on July 20, at 7:09 am after I told him I was hurt by the way he’d spoken to me the night before; that his tone was dismissive, etc.  His reply was to simply justify what he’d done and tell me I could expect it in the future so not to take it personally.  I sent him an email two days later breaking it off with him.

It took me until July 30  to realize that I was a “thing” to him; it took me 8 more days of  ugliness from him to understand that I was of absolutely zero value to him and he tried very hard to make me feel worthless to anyone.  I’m not worthless.  I’m very worthy of being loved and cherished and I’m worthy of being treated with dignity and respect, things he will never understand.

I’m not healed yet.  It’s too soon.  I thought I was farther along than I am, but I’m not, as indicated by the email I sent to him this evening.  Doesn’t matter.  It helped me to send it and that’s what was intended.  I don’t care how he feels about it and since I won’t have to read any more degrading replies from him (gotta love Outlook message rules!) I feel I did something just for ME.  If he dares to show up at my home again, after being told twice not to do so, I’ll call the police and file a report for whatever I can file against him and if necessary, take out an injunction against him.  He’s not allowed to terrorize me.

That’s what a Narcissist is, you know, an emotional terrorist.

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One thought on “I Did it For Me…

  1. Doing a bit of a cross-post here…as I sub to Jan, myself. I’m a survivor of a particularly vicious N (female N) & I got the most info (sorry Jan) from Joanna Ashmun’s page (RIP, JA) about how N’s work & do their thing to crush/undermine/dissolve their SO’s…

    This went on for two years- and I’m out of it for two years- & it is still something that affects me. I feel like I am now so much more than jaded- I am “on-guard”.

    Don’t push it, take your time- maybe see a counsellor trained in PD’s.

    Regards from Australia,

    Tracy

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