Good Grief

Really.  Grief IS good.

The fact that I’m grieving what never was; the fact that I’m grieving for lost potential, for an illusion and for a man who really wasn’t doesn’t mean my grief has no validity.

I miss him.  I miss hearing his voice.  I miss the cozy conversations.  I miss the affection that he showered on me prior to the day I voiced what he perceived as “dissatisfaction” with him.

I miss feeling his arms around me, I miss all that good food and I miss his laugh.  I miss the stupid faces he would make, the stupid jokes and his big-assed feet in his stupid socks.

And I know I miss an illusion.  I miss something that wasn’t real and could never have been real because he has no idea how to place himself in someone else’s position and understand how they might react to his actions.  And because he can’t do this, he will never see anything wrong in what he did to me.

And I still miss him. I’ll get over it. I have to feel it though, because if I don’t feel it, and heal it, I will project what this man did to me onto the next man in my life.

I found out tonight that he lied to me about something pretty important.  While I live in a big city, I know a LOT of people.  And a friend called me two nights ago all excited because she thought maybe she’d found her dream man and would I be willing to check out his profile and tell her what I thought.  So she copied it and sent it to me in email.  I didn’t get a chance to read her email until this evening.

I opened the attachment…and totally FREAKED.

Can you guess why?

So I called her and told her my experience.  I sent her a copy of the last email he sent me – the one where he tells me what I’m going to do and how I’m going to feel.

So then she sends me the brief email exchange they’d had so far.

He lied to one of us about something important.  Maybe he lied to both of us.  And the thing that hurt the worst?  His first email to her was just as charming and “come hither” as the one he sent to me all of three months ago.

She got lucky.  She escaped with her heart intact.  She’ll never meet him.

She was furious when I told her the truth about the last email- there were only five emails.  She’d asked him about something – about something I knew a whole lot about.  He replied with a lie so big I’m surprised it didn’t fog up the entire city.  It was massive, and it was deliberately done both to belittle her about her beliefs with regard to something and also to make himself seem “harmless.”

He’s not harmless.  He’s fucking dangerous.

And stupid, affection-starved me still misses what never was.  I grieve, even though I know it was all just a play in which I was merely a bit-actor.

My friend made the comment:   “You know – he spends HOURS online.  Does he just walk away from his computer and leave the site open?”  Oh no.  Not he.  Never. He wouldn’t waste the battery on his laptop doing that.  Nope, I’ve seen how he uses his laptop.  He jumps on, does his thing, then closes his browser, shuts down and puts that laptop right back in it’s proper place.

No, this man is the biggest online dating site troll-beneath-the-bridge I’ve ever known and I’ve known some trolls in my years of internet dating.

What I now know is that he contacted me FIVE MONTHS after his SIX year relationship with his ex girlfriend, who he met THREE MONTHS after separating from his wife of 10 years.  He told me he’d been out of his relationship with his ex-girlfriend for 2 years and had spent those two years focusing on making sure his custodial son was stable and then, after telling me that, he hugs me and says “and now it’s MY turn for attention.”  Oh, barf me to the end of love.

I also happen to know that he kept his dating profile open the ENTIRE TIME he was with his ex girlfriend.   He told me that.  And when I told him I thought that was a dishonest thing to do in a committed relationship, he replied:  “oh she knew – it didn’t bother her because she kept hers open.”  I’m now thinking that’s total bullshit.

I have a pretty good idea why that relationship ended back in December (and not two years prior, as he told me) and I’m thinking it’s got nothing to do with the reason he told me it ended.

And still, I grieve for what wasn’t.

And I refuse to say “what is WRONG with me???” because I know what’s wrong.  I trusted.  I believed.  I did nothing wrong.  I just got myself involved with a totally wrong man, and there is no shame attached to that.

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