…and I apologize. I can’t promise I’ll be here too often, but I’ll try. I found temporary work, which might turn into permanent, so let’s all pray it does! I actually like the company where I’m placed, too. Amazing.
Yesterday, I had to leave at 3 pm with what I can only describe as a migraine. I’ve had bad headaches, and the last one was 2 years ago, but this beat everything. Could hardly see, the smallest noise felt like knives stabbing my skull and light was intolerable. So I went home. A few hours of lying in the dark with complete silence helped, but when I stood up I lost my cookies. Good thing the bathroom is only a few steps away from my bed.
I’m home today – woke up with the headache back, but not quite as bad. Still feel nauseated. So I called out. Where is this going and why is it on a dating a personality disorder website, you ask? Hmmm. Well, I’ve met a man. Or shall I say he met me. We’ve been seeing each other for 6 weeks and while almost everything is right, there is one biggie that’s wrong. First the right: He’s always there for me. Totally. If I need anything, he’s there. He’s with me 5 days out of 7, but he gets sent home at night. He takes excellent care of me; he takes care of me as a husband would (should) – not conspicuously; not with grand flair; not with a “look at me” attitude. He sees a need and he just seems to fill it without show.
So you’re asking what’s wrong…
Well, while he’s been separated for almost 18 months, he has yet to file for divorce. Okay, I know that with some men, unless they have what they consider a really GREAT reason for filing for divorce, they’re just gonna wait it out. He wasn’t looking for a partner and neither was I. We just sort of saw each other and a loud click happened.
So we talked about it. He’s very open to talking – about anything. He listens. He also tries to “fix” but that’s a male tendency anyway, so I just chalk it up to that. For now.
His plan is to pay off all joint debt, because his wife doesn’t make a lot of money. The kids are grown, so he will have no child support to pay. He’s saved enough money through investments for his kids’ college educations, even if they want to go to grad school. He wants to make sure his wife is not left in dire straits and will be able to support herself and he wants the courts to agree that she is able to do that. He wants a quiet, no-fault divorce. This will mean giving her the family home, which was his grandparent’s home. She lives there and the kids grew up there, so he feels she should have it. It’s his to do with what he wants, so I stay out of it.
He hasn’t told his kids about us yet and I’m cool with that. It’s only been 5 weeks.
Why’d he leave his wife? That’s a very important question. One that he answered with total humility.
Prior to my asking the question, I’d heard from folks who have known this man for 15 or more years and was told there wasn’t a better man. I was told how horrible his wife was to him, and how none of these folks could understand why he stayed with her for 24 years. I heard nothing good about her from these individuals. From him, though, I heard only that “things just got so bad I finally couldn’t take it any longer. The last 10 years of our marriage seemed to be all about what I did wrong. During counseling, it wasn’t about working things out; it was about how much she could tear me down in an hour, bringing up things that I’d apparently done wrong 20 years ago.”
He didn’t trash her. Didn’t tear her down. He simply said the above, and that one day, he woke up with the realization that he wasn’t a horrible person and that he was worthy of being treated well. So he moved out. My big question was: “will you ever go back to her?”
Without hesitation, he said: ”no.”
Now, here’s a man who married young, and prior to me, had only been seriously involved with one woman -and he married her. He knows no other way to act than like a husband and that’s how he acts when he and I are together. I find I don’t mind it at all. I rather like it. I just wish he’d hurry up and file for divorce. What bothers me is that I’m saying that after only 6 weeks of being with this man. Some would say: ”when it’s right, it’s right and you just know it.” Others would say: ”whoa! slow down!” I’m saying both and neither.
It totally feels right. He’s got no narcissistic tendencies that I can ferret out; he appears to have no ulterior motives and so far, he’s just “there” for me. He encourages my creativity, doesn’t attempt to isolate me, helps around the house, helps with gas money and food, and I feel totally loved, wanted and appreciated by him.
I’ve been warned about rebound syndrome. Thing is, this guy wouldn’t know rebound. All he does is commitment. He had ample opportunity to date after he left, but he took the time to get himself together. He doesn’t want to “date.” He figured that if he was supposed to be with another woman, that woman would turn up, so he didn’t look. He doesn’t force things to happen. And then, one day, we found ourselves sitting next to each other and started talking. Things went from there.
I don’t know if I’m rebound for him. I don’t think so, but maybe that’s just because I don’t want to be his rebound. I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound. I want a nice steady partnership and I believe this man and I can have that. Again – is that simply because I want to believe it? I don’t know, but at 50, I don’t have a lot of time to sit around waiting. It’s not like I’m 20 and can take my time. I’d like a life-partner and I’ve done the internet dating thing – that doesn’t work. I’ve joined groups and dated – that doesn’t work. I’m thinking that just meeting someone out of the blue like this isn’t coincidence and I’m going to give it a shot.
I’m happy, contented, a little scared, very vulnerable and on top of the world. All at the same time. Yet…I know infatuation and this isn’t it. Hmmm.
Lord, let me do this right!
Zala
June 6, 2012
What an awesome analysis, Ms Virgo
)
I’m happy for you, ladyfriend <3
Hope you feel better today, after the cursed headache!!
Miss Crankypance
June 9, 2012
The cursed headache is gone, but you know that, Missy Zala! I hope your weekend is fantabulous! I gotta get to work here!
Tracy
June 7, 2012
OK Ms C~ “armchair psych” here…lol. Oh, & welcome back/no worries on being busy- especially with a new job & other “distractions”?
Headache~ I’m thinking the underlying stress of a) new job/not wanting to screw up, b) new temp job & wanting it perm., c) new fella & your own analysis-to-paralysis over-thinking.
Am I way, way off? Not trying to jinx you or to undermine the joy in this awesome turn of events…I’m just like you- (waits for other shoe to drop syndrome). I also worry to read you see yourself as not as viable (at 50) & perhaps inwardly rushed to couple? Feel free to tell me to step off if this is insulting but, as we both know the repercussions of missing flags, I’m only pointing out a few things that stand out for me- an unbiased outsider.
Oh, I just found a great book at the 2nd hand shop last week & I’m having those epiphanies I originally had when I first figured out me ex was likely NPD. It’s called: Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie. If you can get your hands on a copy (it’s popular), do it. I have an idea you’ll relate very closely- and likely your new fella will be both definable in this as well as will relate. If things really are as they seem with him, this info will be of tremendous help, long-term.
You be good & take care of yourself,
T
Miss Crankypance
June 9, 2012
Hey Miss T! I own that book. I bought it years ago. I’ll have to dig it up, because it’s an invaluable book to have in one’s library. I’m thinking the headache could very well have been cumulative stress from new job, my impatient nature to just “get things done” and be so invaluable that they hire me permanently NOW, and the fact that there’s a new man in my life. While that’s a good thing, so far, it’s also got it’s own stress involved.
I had purposely put myself on the shelf. It’s not that I didn’t think I was a viable candidate for a relationship at 50, but these past two years have been rough and with the men I’d been meeting, I just gave up. Stopped looking. There are times, now, when I feel that old urge to sabotage this thing, but I stomp on that urge. I’m a great one for jumping into the bad stuff and ruining the good stuff, so add “large scale self evaluation” to my stress pile and I think we have a ticket to a migraine. LOL.
I over-think SO very well. I’m a great one for analyzing things to their nth degree and have been attempting NOT to do that with this situation. Still, I do ask myself “why is he doing all this for me?” I know the answer – it’s because he wants to do it. I just need to leave it at that and let it go. It’s his choice. I have no control over his choices – only my own. It’s tricky balancing act though. Just now he texted to say he wanted to cook dinner tonight. Great. I told him I’d go out and get a few of the things needed. Nope – he’s going to get it all. I left it alone and just said thank you. If he wants to do it, I’m going to let him. Everyone gets a payoff for their actions, whether it’s a good payoff or a bad one. Depends on the action and the motivation behind it.
We had an in-depth discussion regarding his doing of things. His remark was simply that he’s wired to do it – it’s not an effort for him and he doesn’t do it because he’s afraid I’m not going to like him, or will get angry with him if he doesn’t. Whether he did it to shut his wife up is another thing, and I think he did, so that means there is a carryover pattern in place. Again, I can’t control him. I don’t try. I let him do what he wants and if it’s something that bothers me (as there was the other evening) I address it immediately. He listened and I saw the light bulb go on. He’d engaged in what appears to be a common behavior pattern for him, and it was something that annoyed the shit outta me, so I told him. His response was to apologize immediately and thank me for not being nasty, demeaning and denigrating when I pointed it out. Hmmm. Doesn’t that give rise to some idea of how he’s allowed himself to be treated? He admits to “suffering in silence” and he said that one of the things his wife would talk about in their marital counseling sessions was that he never talked to her. He attempted to tell her, in front of the counselor, that he felt afraid to talk to her because nothing he said was ever “right.” So far, I haven’t heard anything that I don’t consider “right.” It’s just him talking, after years of silence.
The more I listen, the more I can ascribe some of the criteria of BPD to his wife, but not sure about NPD. She has tendencies and they are huge, but he’s learning to cope with them. The other night he texted me that he was pissed off at having had to spend 2 hours on the phone getting her number ported over to her new cell service for her. He was exhausted from it and it wasn’t completed. I asked why he was doing it. Habit. Total habit. After being away from home for almost 2 years, he’s still engaging in habit with regard to her and she’s taking full advantage. I simply told him it was his choice to do it so if he’s pissed, it’s his own fault. Yesterday he tells me “guess who took care of her own phone?” Uh huh. Time to let her put her big girl panties on and learn to take care of herself. We all have to do it.
Baby steps. I don’t want a project, so I don’t interfere or offer advice unless he asks for it. I just listen, but if he’s complaining, I’ll tell him what I think of it and if it’s a situation he set up, he can’t complain about it in my presence. It’s not my problem and unless he’s willing to do something about it to make it go away, he can’t bitch and moan. That simple.
So we’ll see. Everyone has baggage. I have my share of it, so I’m doing my best to be patient with his share.
Hope you’e well and life down under is treating you marvelously!