1. We appreciate you.
2. Thank you for all your loyalty and hard work.
3. No, your job isn’t in jeopardy. We’re laying off at OTHER locations.
4. Our greatest asset is our people.
5. No one is getting a bonus this year, it’s not just you.
6. HR is working hard to make certain you get the best separation package we can provide.
7. We couldn’t do it without you!
8. We’re very flexible.
9. We want the best for our employees.
10. Do your job well and we will take care of you.
11. We’re truly sorry we have to downsize you. It hurts us as much as it hurts you.
12. We will help you find a new job.
13. Our COBRA package is affordable.
14. While we are restructuring and that may seem a negative thing, it will benefit you, our valued employees, in the long term.
1. You’re not getting a raise.
2. You better keep up with the loyalty and hard work or you will find yourself unemployed sooner rather than later.
3. Your job is in jeopardy.
4. Our greatest asset is our corporate spin doctor.
5. You are not getting a bonus. Our top executive compensation packages will show a zero on the bonus line, but we’re giving them more stock options that will vest quickly and provide them millions.
6. HR is working hard to make sure your separation package is the lowest-cost one they can provide and they are not concerned with your needs.
7. We can do it without you. We did it before you were hired and we’ll continue doing it when you’re terminated.
8. As long as you don’t require any personal time beyond that which we provide as vacation and/or sick leave, we’ll keep you. For now.
9. We want the best for ourselves. If our employees benefit from it, great. If not, we don’t really give a flying red one.
10. Do your job well and you will be allowed to keep your job until we find a way decrease the overhead that is YOU.
11. We’re very happy to downsize you. It means more money in our pockets. The only reason the executive who told you about the downsize seemed nervous and upset is because she/he wasn’t quite sure they’d get out of the conference room in one piece.
12. We’ll send you to an agency that will charge you to help you find a job. No, we’re not paying the fee.
13. This is an incomplete statement. It should read thus: “Our COBRA package is affordable if you don’t pay any of your other bills and don’t mind starving. “
14. We are restructuring and that means you will eventually get caught in the game known as “musical employees.” Be very afraid.
Just in case you were wondering…